Lost in a Moment
by chinocoop81
Summary: Ryan goes to an event with friends and family but disaster strikes and he's the only survivor. He's sent to therapy in hopes of remembering what happened that night. Marissa's the therapist assigned to him. Will he be another client,or something more? AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N This just popped into my head randomly yesterday. The song I used is, 'Stuck in a moment that you can't get out of.' by U2. I know I have tons of stories already and this will just make it harder to update all of them but I really wanted to write this. Um, I'm having computer difficulty and soon I will not be able to come on as much as I usually do. Read this and my other stories if you don't feel like possibly waiting months for a reply on here at the oc addicts website... I thought I'd post this and see if anyone likes it on here and if you guys do then I'll continue writing it later on. But anyways, tell me what you think of this story and I hope you enjoy.**

It was a normal day in Orange County , California . The weather was nice, not too hot, but not cold. It was a perfect day on the beach too for all the women who wanted to get their natural tans and for all the surfers who were looking for the perfect wave. The air on the pier smelled of a mix of salt water from the ocean and popcorn from stands along the pier. It was the perfect day for another Newport Charity event, this one being held at the Cohen residence. Ryan Atwood was attending along with one of his friends, Luke Ward. The Cohens were his adoptive parents and he always loved to see them. So when the opportunity arose, he was more than happy to come to their party for the homeless shelter. He'd always promised Luke that he'd take him to a party one of these days and now was the perfect chance.

He arrived at the beautiful McMansion that his adoptive parents lived in and opened the door, knowing that the party was already going on in the back. Luke followed him curiously and when they reached the back yard he looked over at Luke to see his reaction. Luke's eyes bulged out of his head at the sight before him. "You guys have one of these every week?" He asked, staring at the way everyone was dressed as if they were going to be on the cover of the next magazine (which some would) and the way there were so many elaborate decorations that made it a beautiful sight to see in the dim light of the setting sun. The house overlooked the beach which just seemed to make everything that much more beautiful and perfect.

That was Orange County for you though. On the outside, everything was in its little place and everyone played their role in society to the fullest. What no one knew was that among these rich people was one person who was set aside as an outcast. One particular person that happened to arrive to this formal event mere minutes after Ryan. No one really even acknowledged this person's arrival to the party or acknowledged them at all during the next two hours. Maybe if someone had taken the time to say a quick hello or how do you do, things would have turned out differently. Maybe if someone had noticed this seemingly invisible person, the outsider would have decided that all was okay and that what they were doing was insane and completely against everything they'd ever learned.

But no one said hello, no one cared enough to even look in this person's direction. So when the party was about to be over and everyone was ready to go home and started to say their goodbyes, perhaps their last goodbyes ever, this particular person chose to show that they in fact did exist. So they pulled that gun that they'd been hiding in the waistband of their pants and pulled the trigger, signaling that they were in fact there, that they did in fact exist. And for once this particular person felt that they were no longer invisible but rather important.

And for once in their entire lifetime, everyone knew their name.

**3 Months Later**

"I told you guys already, I don't remember anything from that night. It's all a blur, and to be quite honest, I don't mind not remembering every single detail of that night." Ryan said annoyed. "Why can't you guys just let me be and go find another victim to aggravate? I hate you, you hate me, see, it would all be a lot easier on the both of us." He stared at the detective in front of him and waited for an answer.

_**I'm not afraid of anything in this world**_

_**There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard**_

_**I'm just trying to find a decent melody**_

_**A song that I can sing in my own company **_

"Because you're the only survivor from the whole ordeal for some reason beyond me." The detective said with a sigh. He walked off and muttered, "Wouldn't be the case if it was up to me…"

"What did you say?" Ryan asked furiously. He didn't even wait for the detective in front of him to answer before saying, "Look, I don't care about the shooting, I don't care about who did this, I don't want to find him or her or relive any single detail of that night. I just want to go home and rest and then go to work tomorrow like none of this has ever happened. Will you grant me that one tiny wish?" He asked, softening his voice towards the end.

The detective sighed and then said, "Mr. Atwood, you may not care about the shooting, but we do. We want to make sure that something like this doesn't happen again and in order to do that, we need to get this person off the street and into jail where he belongs. I'm going to do a favor for the both of us. We both know that you need to talk to someone about what happened." He saw Ryan about to protest and then said, "Don't fight it, it's pretty obvious." He saw how Ryan shut his mouth and then added, "Maybe it will help you sort some things out and along the road you might remember something."

"So what, you're sending me to a shrink?" Ryan asked with raised eyebrows. "You really expect me to go through with this?"

The detective rolled his eyes and said, "A psychiatrist is the correct term, but yes, I do expect you to go through with this. It's a pretty good idea if you ask me."

Ryan laughed slightly and said, "Yeah, because you came up with it. Whether it's a psychiatrist or a shrink, I'm not going. I'm not that guy."

"What guy Mr. Atwood? You're not the guy that witnesses everyone you love get killed right in front of your eyes and doesn't remember anything? Or are you not the guy who is not willing to talk about it?" The detective gave him a look and then said, "You've been through everyone's worst nightmare. You've seen firsthand what it's like to have everyone that's ever meant anything be taken from you. Talk about it, tell someone how you feel."

"I'm not doing it." Ryan stated belligerently.

The detective stared at him for along time and then walked out of the room. Ryan watched him go, wondering what he was up to. He knew after three months of being bugged by this guy that he didn't give up so easily. He wondered what this guy had up his sleeve. He didn't have to wait long before finding out though. The detective walked back into the room carrying a stack of manila folders. He opened the first one and read, "Sanford Cohen, called Sandy by friends, co workers, and family. Had one biological son named Seth Cohen but adopted Ryan Atwood eight years ago. Hobbies include surfing, singing show tunes, and spending time with his family. He's originally from the Bronx but went to school at Berkeley where he met his future wife Kirsten. Extra notes; he loved to annoy his father in law. Died on the night of May seventeenth from a gunshot wound to the head. Died at the scene.

_**I never thought you were a fool**_

_**But darling, look at you**_

_**You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight**_

_**These tears are going nowhere, baby **_

"Kirsten Cohen, called Kiki by her father. She was the mother of a Seth Cohen but also adopted Ryan Atwood. She worked at the Newport Group with her father and hobbies include spending time with her family and friends. She was raised in Newport and then went to Berkeley and met Sanford , a.k.a. Sandy, Cohen. Side note; her mother died when she was younger of Cancer. Died on the night of May Seventeenth from a gunshot wound to the heart. Died on the scene.

"Seth Ezekiel Cohen, age twenty four. He was the son of Sandy and Kirsten Cohen, the grandson of Caleb Nichol. He worked as a comic book artist after making his own when he was back in high school with a Zach Stevens. Hobbies include drawing, listening to music at the Bait Shop, hanging out with his family, and sailing. Side notes; was a big geek in high school and is guessed to never have had a solid relationship. Died on the night of May Seventeenth from a punctured artery after a gunshot wound. Died in the ambulance.

"Luke Ward, age twenty four. He was originally from L.A. , California but moved to Newport in April. His hobbies include playing football, basketball, and swimming. He worked as an architect at the Newport Group and went to Berkeley where he met a Ryan Atwood and quickly befriended him. Side notes; his dad was gay and he had twin brothers. Died on the night of May Seventeenth from a gunshot wound to the stomach. Died in ambulance.

"Ryan Atwood, age twenty four. Originally from Chino , California , he was abandoned by his mom, his older brother Trey was sentenced to life in prison after killing someone, and his father was arrested for armed robbery. His father got out a few years ago but robbed another store and ended up right back in jail. Ryan was arrested for attempting to steal a car and later adopted by his lawyer, Sandy Cohen and Sandy 's wife Kirsten. Hobbies include hanging out with his new family, coming up with new ideas for future designs, and listening to the occasional Journey song. He's been working as an architect for the Newport Group. Side notes; he's a good fighter and Caleb Nichol hates him. He is the only survivor out of more than twenty people in the shooting at the Cohen residence. Injuries include a shot to the arm and a major concussion from a fall. He was admitted to the hospital on the night of May Seventeenth and released on the night of the Nineteenth."

The detective let the information sink in and stared at Ryan for a couple of minutes. He shoved the folders across the table to Ryan and asked, "Did I leave anything out?"

Ryan looked down at the manila folders and opened the top one which was a picture of him taken earlier in the year. Then he looked at Luke's picture, and then Seth's, and then Kirsten, and then Sandy's, each picture getting harder to take. He finally looked up at the detective and asked, "How?"

"How what?"

_**You've got to get yourself together**_

_**You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it**_

_**Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment**_

_**And you can't get out of it **_

"How did you know all this stuff about us? How did you know our hobbies and all the details about our lives?" He asked, starting to become emotional.

"Your lives aren't secret Mr. Atwood. People know you guys and know your family, or what used to be your family." The detective gave him a sympathetic look and then asked,

"So what's it going to be?"

He didn't know what possessed him at that moment, what made him do what he did. He might even question it at a later date, but at that moment, all he could see was the pictures in front of him of his now dead family staring back at him. So he straightened in his seat and looked up at the detective that he'd grown accustomed to and said, "I'll see one."

At first the detective looked shocked and then he slowly started to smile. "Great, I'll make an appointment for later in the week. Does Friday work for you?"

"Yeah, perfect." But the word perfect made him wince just a bit in his chair because the word perfect was associated with the beginning of the Seventeenth of May. Perfect was how his life used to be, before this nightmare struck. Perfect wasn't when you were going to go see a shrink to try to remember the worst night in your life where you lost not only your family but also your only other friend. Perfect wasn't trying your best to remember something that the doctors tell you that your brain just wants to forget. Perfect isn't being twenty four and having already lost the only thing that's ever mattered to you; family.

Everything was so not perfect.

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The thing they don't tell you when you're studying to become a therapist is how stupid some of your clients can really be. Seriously, where do some of these people come from? Marissa Cooper stared at the man seated across from her and sighed inwardly. She checked the clock on the wall and saw that their session was almost over. That little bit of news was enough for her to pay attention to what her client was saying.

Steve was his name. He visited her once a week and they always talked about the same thing; his mother. Seriously, who talks about their mother at the age of forty? Who lives with their mother at the age of forty? This was the real life forty year old virgin right in front of her. She smirked to herself. "…she just never leaves me alone! And….are you listening?"

She looked up at him and nodded. "Uh huh, she never listens, she never leaves you alone. She keeps nagging you about getting a better job and she tells you that you're a huge disappointment to her and the family, I get it."

_**I will not forsake, the colors that you bring**_

_**But the nights you filled with fireworks**_

_**They left you with nothing**_

_**I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me**_

_**I listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see **_

"I never said that she said I was a huge disappointment." He said defensively. He suddenly looked really sad and she sighed.

"Oh, you didn't, I must have implied it on my own then." She saw his horrified expression and said, "Okay, I've listened to you ramble on and on about how sucky your life is and how horrible your mother is. Well I've got news for you pal, get used to it, because unless you get a job and move your lazy ass out of your mother's house, she's always going to do it. You want my advice? Stop coming here and go find yourself a girlfriend that you can annoy and start living your life the way it's supposed to be lived." She saw his shocked expression and said, "Oh, and your hour is finally over so you're free to go now."

Steve got up and left on the brink of tears and she rolled her eyes and walked to her desk. Some may call her rude but she prefers blunt and honest over fake and lying. She started looking through some papers when she heard a knock on her door and heard a familiar voice say, "I didn't know sending your clients off in tears was part of the job description."

She looked up to see Detective Harper walking into her office and felt a smile form on her face. "Then you obviously don't know Steve. He's in a league of his own, we use special methods to help him." They both laughed and she said, "What can I do for you Detective Harper?"

"I told you, Johnny, please." He said with a charming smile. She raised her eyebrows at him and he said, "Detective works too. Okay, so I have a job for you." He sat down in one of her chairs she had positioned in front of her desk and looked at her.

"Uh huh, and what job is that?" She asked curiously. "It's not another forty year old that lives with his mom is it?"

He laughed and shook his head before saying, "Well, we're doing this investigation on the shooting in Orange County and we still haven't found our suspect yet. So we were thinking that maybe you could talk to our victim for us. He doesn't remember anything from that night and really has no one else to talk to."

"Why doesn't he talk to a friend or family member?" She asked.

Detective Harper sighed and looked down before saying, "They all died."

_**And you are such a fool**_

_**To worry like you do**_

_**I know it's tough, and you can never get enough**_

_**Of what you don't really need now ... my oh my **_

"Oh." She said, that being the only word she could mutter. "Why me though, why not some other therapist?"

"You're one of the best. You get your clients to talk and right now we really need this person to tell us what happened that night, what caused it, who caused it." he sighed and asked, "So will you do it for us?"

"I guess." She said after a while with a shrug of her shoulders. "What are they like?"

"It's a guy, twenty four years old, sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, about your height." Detective Harper saw her sigh and said, "He's a pretty good guy if you ask me, but don't tell him I said that."

"Don't worry, I won't." She looked down at her desk again and then asked, "Does he remember anything at all?"

He stood up and said, "That's for you to find out." He walked out of the room, leaving Marissa to her own thoughts.

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_Gun shots echoed through the yard loudly and hurt his ears. _

Ryan looked down at the picture of him with his family at Chrismukkah eight years ago. Everyone was so happy, everyone looked so peaceful and content. Seth always loved the holidays, and it was the one time of year that Kirsten made a point to get off so she could enjoy the whole break with her family. They would have a special dinner on Christmas Eve and watch movies late into the night. Seth would wake him up early on Christmas day after only a few hours of sleep and practically drag him to the tree to open the remainder of the gifts. Seth was like one big kid though and it always made him laugh and feel welcome. Seth was more of a brother to him than his older one used to be.

_More shots followed and he could hear a ringing in his ear._

He put the picture aside and turned off the light. He slowly got under the covers and closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep. He couldn't though, not when he could still hear their laughs from that particular year from Chrismukkah. He couldn't go to sleep and know that when he awoke in the morning, it meant one more day without his family, without his friends. He couldn't go to sleep and know that whatever tomorrow brought in therapy, he'd still go home alone and sad and miserable without much memory of that night but the sounds. He just couldn't.

"_Help me!" A woman shouted to anyone that would listen, but it was already too late. One more shot, and suddenly there was silence._

And for the first time in years, one lone tear fell down his face and onto the pillow.

**You've got to get yourself together**

**You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it**

**Oh love look at you now**

**You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it **

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Ryan sat nervously in the waiting room of the building, waiting for his therapist to call him in. He bounced his knee up and down and looked around, trying to create a distraction so he could forget the fact that he was in therapy where he was supposed to talk about his feelings to a complete stranger, something he barely ever did with his family before they died. He looked over to a wall and saw that there was a TV on it. He watched and saw that they had it on the news. 'And there's still no lead on who the shooter could've been in the Orange County shootings three months ago…' he heard it say. He closed his eyes.

_Shot after shot, cry after cry for help, but they didn't stop for anyone, didn't care._

He opened his eyes and heard someone calling his name. He looked towards the open door and saw someone with a folder in their hand staring at him impatiently. "Mr. Atwood, it's your turn." he heard them say. He stared at the person and saw that it was a woman about his age and height with dark blonde hair and blue eyes. She watched him carefully as he stood up and walked towards her and into the room. He sat down on the couch that was set out across a chair and waited for her to say something. She sat down across from him in the chair and said, "So Mr. Atwood, what are you here for?"

_**I was unconscious, half asleep**_

_**The water is warm till you discover how deep**_

_**I wasn't jumping for me it was a fall**_

_**It's a long way down to nothing at all **_

He looked at her and raised his eyebrows. "Are you serious?" He asked in a bitter tone. "I'm sure that Detective guy told you already."

"Detective Harper did tell me, but I want for you to be able to say for yourself why you're here." She said, looking at him and waiting for him to say something.

"And why would I need to tell you? What good will that do?" He challenged. He didn't want to say what was going on.

"It'll help you get out of denial." She stated.

"I'm not in denial about what happened." He argued.

She gave him a challenging look and then said, "So tell me why you're here."

He stared at her challenging face for a long time and saw her blue eyes staring holes through his body, burning away his resolve to not say anything. He finally says, "My family died in a shooting and my one friend died right along with them. I don't remember much of what happened or who did it. The detective wanted to know what happened though so he of course sent me to come see you. That's what I'm doing here."

"Good, now how do you feel?" She asked.

"Like crap." He replied with a sigh.

"Then it means I'm doing my job right."

"And your job is to make me feel bad?" He asked with a raise of one eyebrow.

She shook her head and said, "No Mr. Atwood, it's my job to make you feel."

"Oh. Well what's your name? If I'm going to be spending this time with you and talking to you, I think I deserve to know your name."

_**You've got to get yourself together**_

_**You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it**_

_**Don't say that later will be better now**_

_**You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it **_

"It's Dr. Marissa Cooper." She said.

"Okay, and I call you…"

"Marissa. I'll let you call me Marissa." She said with a slight smile that he couldn't understand.

"Okay, so, Marissa, I'm not really into the whole talking thing, especially not to a complete stranger." He admitted.

"Well, you obviously have no one else to talk to." She stated. "This could help you."

"How could talking about all this help me? I don't remember, I don't want to remember. I really don't get anything out of this but a loss of my time. You can go home with your check at the end of the day and talk to your mom or your friends, but me, I can't. That Detective Harper guy, he gets to solve his investigation and gets a big bonus, but what do I get out of this?" He looked away and said, "I get left with the knowledge that I'm twenty four and don't have anyone and memories that I don't want to have."

_**And if the night runs over**_

_**And if the day won't last**_

_**And if our way should falter**_

_**Along the stony pass **_

She sighed and shook her head. "What you get, Mr. Atwood, is closure to this whole thing. You need to move on from this before it destroys you."

"The only thing that's going to destroy me at this point is remembering it."

"You went through something that none of us ever want to go through, but I'm sure you've been told that. You have the chance to lock up the guy that did this to your loved ones for good. Now we need you to try to remember something, anything."

"You want a memory?" He asked angrily. "You're not the one that goes to be every night hearing their cries for help or the one that wakes up in the morning with a ringing in your ears because you can still hear that gun no matter how hard you try to forget it. I may not remember every detail, what I said or who I talked to that night, but I remember enough to make me wish I never remember the rest." He stood up and started to walk away. "I can't be here right now." He left her alone in the room and she just sat there for a while.

She sat back in her chair and muttered, "Looks like we've already made some progress."

_**And if the night runs over**_

_**And if the day won't last**_

_**And if your way should falter**_

_**Along the stony pass**_

_**It's just a moment**_

_**This time will pass **_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N I think my computer at my mom's house may be working, but I'm not too sure at the moment. It's a weird story, but I hope it'll work. Meanwhile I've had inspiration for this story and wrote a long chapter. So R/R and I hope you enjoy!**

_**There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. **_

_**- Dante**_

"So have you been doing any better?" Marissa asked Ryan, not looking at him. She never really looked at her clients, just listened to them and told them what to do about their messed up life.

"No." Was all the reply she got. It had been a week since they last talked, when he had left her office upset. She didn't know how he'd been holding up, and honestly probably didn't even care. Ryan was right about what she got out of it. Usually she got her check, put it in the bank, and then talked to her mom or her friend Summer Roberts. She never really cared much for her clients other than money. Why get close to someone that you'll probably never see again? She didn't believe in relationships with her clients, it wasn't professional.

"How has your week been?" She asked, still looking down. She was doodling on her notepad, something she always did to pass the time.

"How do you think?" he asked bitterly.

"I don't know, why don't you tell me?" She asked, glancing up at him.

He sighed and looked off into space. "Terrible, stressful, tiring, boring..." He trailed off and then in a really far off voice, one that she could barely hear he said, "Lonely."

She looked at him and asked, "How so?"

"Work's been hard. My mind drifts off a lot, and then there's the way everyone looks at me like I'm some victim. I just hate it when people pretend like they care when they really don't." Then in a bitter tone he said, "And then there's the fact that I don't have a family anymore."

She looked at him and it was like she was seeing him for the first time. His hair was kind of shaggy and his eyes were blue, but they empty, like there was no one behind them anymore. He looked like he hadn't slept in days from how dark the circles under his eyes were and he looked more like he wanted to die than he wanted to live. She tried to not let it get to her though and said, "Have you been sleeping?"

He shrugged and said, "A few hours every night tops." He played with his hands and said, "Sleep's overrated."

"You're supposed to sleep Mr. Atwood." She said sternly.

"Call me Ryan for one." He said, looking up at her, his eyes emotionless. "And two, I can't sleep."

"Why not?"

"I still hear them." he said, looking off into space.

"Hear who?" She asked curiously.

"My family." He said, looking down. "I hear them laughing, and then suddenly I hear the gunshots. The next thing I know, they're screaming for help. A few more gunshots, and then they're quiet." He looked up and said, "That's when they die."

She didn't know what to say for a while, and he just stared at her, waiting for her to say anything. Finally she said, "So you're starting to remember?"

He nodded and said, "Bits and pieces. I can't see anything, but I can hear more and more every night." He looked down at his hands and said, "I hear mostly my family, but sometimes I hear other people's screams. I haven't heard who the shooter is yet."

"How are you holding up without your family?" She asked, though she could tell that he wasn't holding up well.

He looks at her and said, "I know I shouldn't be, but I'm so damn angry at them."

"How come?" She asked, though she already knew why.

"They left me here all alone, every single one of them." He looked at her, and for the first time that day, his eyes held some kind of emotions in them; pain, hurt, anger, love. "They just left me all alone. Didn't they realize that I needed them?"

She watched him take in a deep breath and she said, "They didn't have any say in whether they lived or died Ryan. Death is a part of life."

"I know, but all my life, people have just left." He said softly, looking directly into her eyes. "I guess I thought that the Cohens were different."

"What do you mean by people just leaving you?" She asked.

"My mom abandoned me, my brother left me to go to jail, my dad got arrested and never tried to contact me again…same as my brother. Everyone in my life just leaves me." He looked down and then in a quiet, barely audible voice asked, "Is there something wrong with me?"

She quickly said, "There's nothing wrong with you." There was something about Ryan that was getting to her, something about him that was different from all her other clients. He seemed desperate for answers, for help, when a lot of her others just wanted someone to tell all their small problems that didn't mean anything. But Ryan had actually lost something, well, everything really. He didn't have a family, didn't have any friends, and he was already insecure by other people abandoning him. "You're great. Look at you; you have a good job, lots of money, a nice house and car I'm sure. What else could you possibly need?"

He looked straight in her eyes and simply said, "A friend."

They stared at each other for a few minutes, neither saying anything to break the strong silence that seemed to overcome them. Finally, she looked away from his strong gaze and said, "I'm recommending you come to therapy three days a week from now on." She wrote something down on her notepad, an actual note this time and said, "Does that work for you?"

He shrugged and said, "It's not like I have anything better to do."

She nodded and avoided looking up at him. "I…well…this session is over." She looked up at him and said, "You're free to go."

He sighed and stood up and she stood as well. "Well, it's been nice talking to you."

"Really? I thought you didn't want to talk." She said, raising an eyebrow at him.

He shrugged and said, "It's better than having to be alone."

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"_You guys have one of these every week?" Luke asked in amazement, looking at all the people. "I haven't been to something this elegant all my life."_

_Ryan laughed and nodded his head. "Yeah, but you get used to it."_

_Luke shook his head and said, "I'm not so sure."_

Ryan opened his eyes and glanced at the clock beside his bed. It was two thirty in the morning and he couldn't sleep. He could rarely ever sleep anymore because all he saw when he closed his eyes were images from that night; Kirsten on the ground with blood pooled all around her, Sandy next to her. He relived the same scene every time he fell asleep, and still heard the cries every time he woke up. He was beginning to remember a little more, but not the shooter. He never remembered the shooter for some reason.

He attempted to sleep again, but he couldn't. He wondered if he'd ever be able to sleep again.

"_Luke, Luke, are you okay?" He asked, running his eyes over his friend's body._

_Luke looked at him with far off eyes. "He got me man. He got me…"_

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Ryan couldn't pay attention at work. He sat at his desk, trying to pay attention to the paperwork that was in front of him, but it was harder than it sounded. Every time he looked up, he would think of when Kirsten or Luke or someone else would visit him in his office. Every time he looked on his desk, he saw the picture of his family, the one that was now dead. He couldn't deal with it anymore. He felt the emotions slowly starting to move about inside of him and he knew soon he would blow, and no one wanted to be around when he finally let loose and grieved.

He got up out of his chair and walked to his secretary in the other room. "I'm going to take the rest of the day off." He said, walking past without stopping.

She didn't even attempt to call after him, because everyone knew that he was taking things pretty hard. Before he knew it he was at home in his bedroom. He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands.

"_Ryan, help…" Seth said warily, drifting out of consciousness._

He picked up his head and looked at the nightstand by his bed which held the Chrismukkah picture from when he first moved into the Cohen house. He stared at it a long time, still able to hear Seth, _It has twice the resistance of any normal holiday. You have Jesus and Moses on your side._

"_Seth, hang on man. What about Chrismukkah? What about the comic book? You can't leave all that. Come on…" He watched Seth struggle to continue bleeding, but they both knew what would happen. _

He stared at the Chrismukkah picture for a bit longer and then picked it up and with all his might hurled it across the room, hitting the wall and shattering the glass on the frame. He got up and walked towards the broken frame and shouted at the picture, "You left me! Did you not think that I deserved for you to stay? Didn't you care?" He bent down and picked up the picture. "Don't you know I need you?" he whispered.

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Therapy seemed to be the only thing he looked forward to for some odd reason. Maybe it was the fact that he finally got to talk to someone about what he was feeling, almost like a friend, or maybe it was the fact that Marissa made him feel somewhat normal. He liked it that she didn't look at him like a victim like so many people were doing now. He liked it that she seemed like she preferred the cold hard truth over the sugar coated lies. Basically he liked her.

So as he walked into her office, he finally felt at peace with everything, well, as close as he could anyways. He felt as if he could finally relax and take all the weight off his shoulders. No matter what he thought about stuff, Marissa always knew what he was talking about. She understood that he was angry, but didn't look at him as if there was something wrong with him like tons of his coworkers would've. He sat down on the couch across from her chair and waited for her to say something. She was looking down at her papers again, as usual, and it was his time to watch her instead of the other way around as it usually was. She didn't really dress too fancy. She usually wore just jeans and a t-shirt. She was comforting when everything else seemed overwhelming.

"So, how have you been?" She asked, glancing up from her papers. It surprised him since she hardly ever glanced up from them.

He shrugged and said, "I've been through better but I've been through worse." A lot worse.

"_They've got a gun!" He heard a guy shout._

He shook himself and Marissa stared at him intently. "What's wrong?" she asked, and he could hear the sympathy and concern in her voice. It didn't sound fake though, it sounded surprisingly real.

"I hear them sometimes, crying for help." He said softly, looking away.

"Oh." She said, obviously not knowing what else to say. She looked down at her papers and then asked, "Do you remember much else?"

"A few things, nothing important to who the killer is though." He said sadly.

"Well you know you need to tell me when you do remember right?" She asked.

"Yeah, I know." They were both silent for a little while until he asked, "When I do remember….am I going to have to stop seeing you?"

She shrugged and said, "I don't know, depends on what you want."

"I think you're the friend I have." He said, looking down at his boots, too embarrassed to look up at her. "And you're not even really a friend."

"Then we can continue the sessions." She said, not commenting on the friend thing. He knew he shouldn't have said anything, but it was how he felt. "So what have you been up to?"

"I threw a picture at the wall." He said, suddenly feeling foolish for doing so. "I don't know what overcame me when I did, but…it all got too hard."

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.

He sighed and said, "It was like everything I've been denying for so long suddenly came out and it was too much to take so I got angry at everything."

"What do you mean by everything?"

"I got angry at them for leaving, got angry at the shooter for taking them from me, got angry at everyone for acting like they cared when they really don't." He let out an upset sigh and then continued by saying, "I got angry at myself for being angry and denying it for so long. I got angry for trying to remember it, and got angry because I couldn't sleep at night because of it. Then all of it just sort of fused together and made me so angry that I was like blinded by my rage and threw the first thing that I saw…which happened to be the picture."

"What was the picture of?" She asked, seeming curious.

"Us when I first came to move with the Cohens at Chrismukkah time." He said, smiling slightly.

He saw the confusion on her face and she asked, "Chrismukkah?"

He laughed and said, "Yeah, it's Seth's super holiday. It's basically Hanukkah and Christmas together. He'd always say it had twice the resistance of any normal holiday because you had Jesus and Moses on your side." He smiled at the memories of them together and said, "It was my favorite time of year, though I didn't tell anyone that."

She looked at him with raised eyebrows and then said, "You know, I thought I'd heard everything until you shared that with me."

He laughed and she laughed too. He noted how beautiful of a sound it was, but he didn't say it. Hearing laughter at the moment sounded foreign to him, and it made him feel normal again. "I miss them." He said, and their laughter died down. He looked at her with pain filled eyes and said, "I miss them a lot."

She watched him for a second and then said, "The thing they don't tell you about when people in your family die is that your life goes on. And then people tell you that you're going to be okay, that things will get better.." She waited for him to process that and then said, "But life never goes back to the way it used to be."

"That's reassuring." He said.

"It's true because no matter how much you want things to back to the way they were, they never will. You'll always be without that person or those people and you'll always wonder if what you're doing will make them proud, if you're the person that you wanted them to be. You'll always look up at the stars and swear that you see them smiling, or listen to the wind and swear that they're whispering your name." She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said, "But life goes on, different yes, but it goes on. And after a while, you learn how to live without them."

He saw the pain in her own expression, the far off look and then put his hand on hers that was on her knee and said, "You sound like you'd know from past experience."

She took in a deep breath and one lone tear fell down her cheek. He wiped it away, letting his hand stay on her cheek just a little bit longer than necessary. "When I was smaller, my father and sister died in a car crash." She didn't say anything else, and just as quickly as their intimate moment came, it was over. He sat back on the couch and she sat back in the chair and they acted like there hadn't been something between them, like they hadn't just had their little moment. "So Chrismukkah huh?"

He smiled and nodded, "Yeah, it's great. It's unlike anything I'd ever done before."

"Your family sounds like they were amazing." She commented.

"They were." He said softly. "They were the best people I ever knew. They gave me hope and a home when I thought everything was over in my life. I don't know what I'll do now. It's like I no longer have a purpose in life."

Marissa took in a breath and then said, "You'll go to bed at night and wake up in the morning and though your family isn't here, you'll smile and get up out of bed and go to work and you'll make your family and friends proud." She gave him the smallest smile and said, "It works."

"Sounds hard."

"I never said it would be easy. There will be days that you want to crawl under your blanket and never come out, and on those days you'll take it easy." She watched him and then said, "I hope Trust me when I say it will all get better."

He gave her a small smile and said, "I already do."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N The computer still isn't down yet and I am inspired to write yet another chapter. So, here we go.  
**  
Two weeks after their little 'moment', another one came. It was out of the blue and unexpected, but it still meant everything to Ryan. It had been a long, stressful day and he didn't have therapy so he couldn't go and tell Marissa about it. Then when he got home and looked on his wall calendar, he realized that today was Seth's birthday and he quickly fell into a fit of depression. After about an hour of moping on his bed, he decided that he should probably eat something, and went into his kitchen only to realize that he didn't have even a crumb of food. He debated whether or not he should order in a pizza or get something to eat at a restaurant, and decided that even though Seth was not here and never would be again, he'd still let his friend's birthday be celebrated and decided to go to the local diner where they used to always go for a birthday lunch.

He grabbed an umbrella since ironically enough it was pouring down rain on this particular day and wallet and walked out of his house. His drive to the diner was a sad one, considering that this time last year he'd been on his way to the Cohen house for a formal birthday celebration for Seth. He remembered that this time last year he'd had a present for Seth; some new comic book that he couldn't remember the name of. He still remembered the excitement on Seth's face, much like a child's excitement on his birthday. He had always secretly looked forward to Seth's excitement, it gave him a look into something he'd never really had as a child. Something that he'd always desperately wanted.

He arrived at the diner and opened his umbrella for the short walk to the door. As he opened the door, he heard the familiar ring of the door opening and walked inside, closing his umbrella quickly. He looked around the small restaurant and saw something…well, someone, familiar. He walked towards the person, their blonde hair slightly covering their face, and cleared his throat. "Marissa?" He asked, surprised to see her here.

Her sapphire eyes looked up into his and he could see the shock in her own that probably matched his. "Ryan?" She said. She gestured at the seat across from him and said, "I wasn't expecting to see you…"

He sat down in the seat across from her. "Neither was I." He said, slightly smiling. "So what brings you here?" He asked curiously.

"I hear it's a great place to eat." She said with a smile. "I mean, you talk about it so much, I just thought I'd try it for…research."

"Research?" He asked with a smirk. "Or, let me guess, you got tired of pizza and take out but didn't feel like cooking anything yourself. So you were stuck between going to a fast food restaurant or going to a really high priced place. You settled on the middle ground."

She smiled and said, "Looks like the roles are reversed. Now you're analyzing me huh?"

"Well you do so good at analyzing me, I thought I'd give it a shot." He said, leaning back in his seat.

"Hmm, I do a good job huh?" She asked, looking at him intently. "Let me give a shot at it now." She looked at his shaggy hair and the dark circles under his eyes. Then she let her gaze drop down to his wrinkled work clothes. She looked into his eyes and saw that they were bloodshot and sad and said, "You got home from work, something hit you, something made you sad." She thought about it some more and then said, "You didn't change from your work clothes for a while, just sat there, thinking about something. After a while you knew that even though you didn't want to, you had to get some food into your system, so you go out and decide to come here where you meet me." She waited for him to process the information and then asked, "Does that sound about right?"

He stared at her, mouth slightly open in awe. He didn't understand how she could just do that, how she could just analyze him so easily. He looked down after a while and said, "It's Seth's birthday."

He felt her hand on his shoulder and she said, "It's the anniversary of my sister and dad's deaths."

He looked into her eyes that were clouded with sadness and said, "Great day isn't it?"

She nodded and said, "The best."

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly, wanting to help her. She'd been helping him through all of his problems, it was only fair that he did the same for her. "You know me for talking a lot to you, but I can be a good listener also." He offered.

She looked away from him and pulled her hand to her body, hugging herself tightly as if it would make the pain go away. "It was about ten years ago. I was fourteen, and I had just come home from school…."

She walked into the living room and put her bag down when she saw her mother on the couch, holding a phone and staring blankly off into space. She furrowed her eyebrows together in confusion and walked towards her mother's pale frame. "Mom? Are you okay?" She asked, putting a hand on her mom's arm, trying to see some type of reaction.

She took the phone from her mother's hand, but her mother didn't seem to notice. She put it to her own ear and heard the machine lady telling her to hang up and try again. She put the phone down and looked at her mom, worried about her. Then she noticed that her sister wasn't around yet. "Hey, where's Caitlin, I wanted to show her something." She said, looking around the house. When she didn't find her sister, she walked back to the living room where her mother hadn't moved, probably hadn't even blinked. "Mom, where's Caitlin and dad?"

Her mother stared at her like she was just now seeing her, and she hadn't been here for the past five minutes. She finally blinked and then said, "There was an accident…"

"What, a car accident?" She asked, suddenly understanding her mother's state. "They're okay right?" She asked, going frantic with the thought that they wouldn't be. "We need to get to the hospital, we can't leave them all alone." She started walking towards the door and saw that her mother didn't make a move to follow her. "Mom, we need to go to them."

"I'm so sorry honey." Her mother said, standing up. She put her arms around Marissa and said, "They didn't make it…"

"No, you're lying." She said, pushing her mother away. "This isn't real…this can't be happening." She sat down on the couch and said, "This kind of thing happens to other families, not ours though. This can't happen to our family, it's just not us." She looked up at her mom with tear filled eyes and said, "Right?"

Her mom stared at her for a while and then sat down beside her on the couch. "We at least still have each other." Her mother said, beginning to cry. "We can't forget that."

Ryan watched her, and wanted to comfort her but didn't know how. He knew from experience that there was no way to truly comfort someone and take away all that pain. He took her hands into his and rubbed them gently with his thumb. He felt her relax just the slightest bit under her touch and then said, "I'm sorry."

She shook her head and smiled just the slightest bit. "Ever notice that people are always apologizing for it like it's there fault?"

He smiled too and said, "Yeah, and it gets kind of annoying hearing it all the time."

"So then you want people to just be quiet since there's really nothing that they can do for you." She said, adding onto his statement.

He smiled at her and despite the fact that she'd just told him the saddest thing that had happened in her life, she smiled too. She glanced down at their hands that were still together and he took his away, shocked by the feeling of emptiness that came with it. He put his hands on his knees and said, "Sorry for saying sorry."

She laughed and said, "It's okay, really. I'm used to it just like I'm sure you are too."

He laughed also and said, "Yeah, that's certainly true." He looked at her for a minute and then said, "I should probably go to my own table…I don't want to impose…"

She shook her head and said, "Please, you're keeping me from having a breakdown right now."

"I thought that showing feelings was important." He said with a raise of his eyebrows. "That's what I've learned anyways."

"Well sometimes when you're in public, it's okay not to have a total breakdown." She said with a small smile.

"I'll keep that in mind for the future." He said with a chuckle. "I suppose I could eat dinner with you." He said casually, though for a reason he couldn't explain, he was quite looking forward to it.

"Well I feel special then." She said with a small laugh.

A waitress came by and that's when he noticed that she hadn't gotten anything to eat yet. "The cheeseburgers are really good here." He commented. He looked up at the waitress and said, "I'll have a coke, a cheeseburger, and some chili fries."

The waitress looked at Marissa and she said, "I'll have the same." The waitress walked off and she turned to Ryan and said, "I trust you enough to believe you when you say this is good food. Just don't make me regret that."

He couldn't explain why but he felt really happy to hear that Marissa trusted him, even if it was as a joke. He smiled and said, "Don't worry, I won't."

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An hour later, they were still sitting at the diner, but they had already been fed and were stuffed. Ryan leaned back in the booth and said, "I can't believe that a year ago he was fine and now he's just gone."

Marissa nodded and said, "I can't believe it's been ten years since I've last talked to them." She sighed and then said, "I can't even remember if I said that I loved them that morning…or even the previous night." She looked out the window by their booth at the pouring rain and then said, "Too often we take for granted the little things in life. Little do we know that in a minute, everything can be gone." She looked at him sadly.

"I know how you feel." He said sadly. "I used to always complain about Seth's rambling when I lived there. I'd always roll my eyes and pretend to be annoyed with him. The truth is though, I'd do anything to have it back. I'd do anything to just hear him talk about work or video games or the latest issue of his comic book." He put his head in his hands and said, "I'd do anything to have him ramble on about Chrismukkah and anything else that he ever wants to talk about."

Marissa just listened, didn't say anything. After she was sure that he was done talking, she finally said, "Bargaining."

"What?" He asked, truly confused.

"Bargaining. It's the third step of grief." She said with a nod.

"Well, what's next?" He asked curiously.

"Depression." She said.

He sighed and said, "This will be fun."

She smiled and said, "Then…acceptance."

"Does everyone go through this?" He asked, not really understanding how you can sum up grief so quickly.

"Mostly. Sometimes the stages are switched around. I know that when I went through it, I was in denial for a week, and then I woke up and was angry at the world. For months and months, I hated everything and everyone. Then, I wished that I could have them back. I actually offered things. Stuff like, 'I'll make sure to never talk back to mom or dad again if you just let me see them for one more day.' Then, I realized they weren't coming back, and was depressed." She sighed and then said, "But one day, about a year after I found out, I looked out at the sky and realized that life does go on, just in a different way. I realized that they'd want me to move on with my life, and not be stuck in the same stage of grief for so long."

"Sounds like a long, painful process." He said with a sigh.

"It is." She said. "I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. That's against what I believe. I'll be straightforward with you. It hurts, it really does. You want to kill yourself some days, but it will all get better."

"I just can't imagine me getting over this." He said with a shake of his head. "You maybe, but not me."

"You will, trust me." She said. She picked up her coke and held it up in the air. "To Seth and the rest of your family."

He lifted his own glass and said, "To Caitlin and your dad." They clinked their glasses together and then took a sip, each pleased to have at least someone on this somewhat depressing day.


	4. Chapter 4

Ryan never thought he'd say this but he was really looking forward to therapy. Or maybe he should say that he was really looking forward to seeing Marissa. There was something about her that made him drawn to her and he knew after his dinner with her the other day that it wasn't because he could talk to her about his feelings, it was something else. He felt connected to her in some weird way and he was beginning to think that he had the tiniest amount of feelings for her. He knew that it was odd that he had feelings for his therapist…but he couldn't be the first guy right? Surely there was someone out there that had feelings like this for their shrink.

He walked into the therapist office and took his seat across from her chair. She was looking down at some papers and didn't even glance up at him. He was sure she would look at him though, that she had some type of interest for him too. "How have you been?" She asked.

He smiled and said, "I've been alright I guess. You really helped me out the other day you know. I've been doing a little better since then."

"Depression hasn't hit yet?" She asked, finally glancing up at him.

"No, I'm thinking maybe it won't." He said hopefully.

She shook her head and said, "Are you over them yet?"

He shrugged and then sighed. After a while he said, "No."

She looked at him and then looked down at her papers and said, "Then it's going to hit sooner or later."

He felt his mood slowly decline. "When do you think it's going to hit?"

She shrugged and said, "You can never predict those things." She looked up from her papers and set them aside. "So, what are you up to?"

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"I mean, what plans do you have? Any events you're going to or whatever?" She shrugged and said, "We always talk about your past or what you've done when you're sad or angry, we never talk about the normal things you do."

He thought about it and then said, "I really don't have any kind of normal things I do anymore."

"I thought you went to all those formal events?"

He sighed and shook his head. "No, I used to before…" He trailed off.

She nodded in understanding and then said, "Well maybe you should go to one sooner or later you know. It might help with the grieving process."

"Well I think there's a party soon." He said, trying to remember. "Everyone's invited."

"Well you should go to that then." She said with a smile.

"I don't know…" he said, not really liking the idea of going to one of the parties.

"Well, when you're ready at least." She said with a shrug. "As I said, it may help you."

He nodded and said, "Yeah I guess."

She crossed her legs and said, "So you haven't been up to anything since dinner the other day?"

He felt a smile come and said, "No, not at all."

She watched him curiously and then asked, "Why are you smiling?"

He shrugged and tried to stop but couldn't really do so. "I guess…I liked our dinner the other day."

She seemed to get uncomfortable and said, "I don't think we should talk about this."

"What do you mean? We ate dinner…it's not like we went on a date or anything." He said, thinking of how it might be fun to go on a date with her.

"Ryan, I mean it, let's not talk about dinner."

He sighed and his smile faded. "I liked dinner the other day because I finally felt normal." He said, revealing a part of what he'd liked about dinner. He left out the part about liking to be around her though. He somehow knew that it wouldn't go over well. "I've been eating all my meals alone…it was nice to have someone there with me."

She nodded and then changed the subject, not revealing if she liked the dinner or not. "So how's work going for you?"

"Good I guess. It's a distraction." He felt himself get sad all over again.

"A distraction from what?" She asked, pressing him further.

"From missing them." He said softly.

She let him have a little moment of silence and then said, "But other than that, no more breakdowns?"

He shook his head and said, "Nope, not yet."

"Well let's try to keep it that way huh?" She asked with a smile.

He smiled back and said, "I'll do my best." He was quiet for a minute and then said, "How are you doing?"

She seemed taken aback by the question. "What do you mean?"

"With the whole anniversary thing…" He started, but was cut off.

"I don't want to talk about it." She stated firmly.

"Well you're always telling me to talk." He pressed.

"Yeah, but I'm your therapist, I'm paid to make you talk." She said with a sigh. She looked down and said, "Thanks for the concern, but I don't think it's right to talk about me right now."

"Not everything is about me." He said.

"Yeah, when we're in here it is." She said, looking at him, telling him with her eyes that the topic was closed.

"Okay." He said, not knowing why she was making such a big deal about this. "Well what do we talk about now then?"

"Well…is there anything…besides me…that you want to talk about?" She asked, leaning back in her chair.

He leaned back in his own seat and then said, "Hmm…I don't really know."

"There has to be something." She said. When he didn't say anything she said, "Okay, I want you to close your eyes and tell me the first thing that comes to your mind."

He closed his eyes as she said, but all that came to mind was her sitting with him at dinner. He shook that thought and all other thoughts of her and let his mind wander. Suddenly, he was there that night again. He was walking in with Luke….

He walked up to the Cohens and Kirsten hugged him tightly. "I'm glad you two could make it." She said, smiling warmly at Luke and him. They smiled back and she turned to Ryan. "Seth's been looking for you. He wanted to tell you something…"

"Oh, okay, I'll find him." He said, starting to walk off. He stopped and looked around and said, "Great party by the way. You can always throw a great one."

She smiled at him and said, "Remember your first?"

He nodded and thought back to his first party all those years ago, back to when he was sixteen and lost and scared in this world. "Yeah." He said softly, looking away. It still amazed him sometimes how Kirsten and Sandy would just let him into their home like that. He wouldn't be here today without them and he loved them for it.

He opened his eyes and saw Marissa staring at him. This was something he hadn't remembered before and for the first time he saw full images and not just blurred pictures. He wondered how long until he would see everything. Marissa was the first to break the silence. "Did you remember something?"

He nodded and said, "The beginning of the evening…very beginning."

She nodded and said, "You're getting closer."

He sighed and looked down. "Yeah, I guess I am."

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Marissa didn't believe in relationships with clients. She'd told herself that many times before but she never really wanted to have any sort of relationship with a client. Now though with Ryan, things were beginning to change. She didn't know why she allowed that dinner with him the other day. She couldn't understand why she would go against everything she'd ever said to herself and allow him to eat dinner with her….it just wasn't professional. And then she couldn't believe of all things that she told him about her father and sister's deaths. It was completely wrong to do and now she regretted it.

Now she was beginning to like talking to him. That was wrong right there also and she knew it. So when Ryan left her office, she went to her desk and put her head in her hands and sighed as long and loud as she could, trying to get rid of her frustrations with herself. That's when she heard the knock at her door. She looked up to see Detective Harper at her door. "Detective Harper." She said.

He walked in and asked, "Hard day?"

"Hard week." She murmured.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." She said, not wanting to show that she was upset.

"Oh, okay." He said. He was quiet and then he said, "So does Atwood remember anymore from the shootings?"

"First of all, his name is Ryan Atwood, not just Atwood." She said, not liking that the detective said the name like it was a thing instead of a person. "And secondly, no, he doesn't."

He sighed and said, "He really needs to remember. I have my boss bugging me about it…"

"And he's being forced to remember probably something worse than me and you have gone through together." She said upset. She lowered her voice and said, "His family died."

"I know that." He said.

"Do you know what it's like though? He was there when his family died, saw them get shot right in front of his eyes. The least you could do is let him remember it on his own time." She said defensively.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

He looked at her and then said, "You've never been this involved before." He turned and started walking towards the door. When he reached it he turned around and said, "Don't let this guy get to you." Then he left.

She sighed and put her head in her hands again. "I think he already has." She whispered to herself.

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"Seth, Kirsten said you wanted me?" Ryan asked his adoptive brother.

Seth turned around and smiled. "hey man, I feel like I don't see you anymore."

He rolled his eyes and said, "We just saw each other yesterday for lunch remember?"

Seth nodded and said, "Ah, right, I forgot about that."

"So what'd you want me for?" Ryan asked, trying not to smile at Seth.

"I have big news." Seth said with a large grin.

"What, you write another comic book?"

"No, I have a girlfriend." Seth said with a nod of his head. "A real life breathing girlfriend."

"Oh, really?" He asked with a large smile. "Prove it."

Seth turned to his side and there Ryan saw a girl with short blonde hair. "Hi, I'm Anna Stern." She said, extending a hand.

Ryan noticed that she was good looking and smiled. "Ryan Atwood."

Seth looked from his girlfriend to his brother and said, "Ha, told you so."

Ryan opened his eyes. The memories were coming more freely now and clearer than ever. He sighed and looked at Marissa. It was another therapy day, not that he was complaining. "Anna Stern was Seth's girlfriend."

"Anna Stern?" Marissa asked with her eyebrows furrowed together. "Hmm, interesting."

"Do you know her?"

"No, but I think my friend Summer used to." She shrugged and said, "I'm not too sure."

Today he'd decided that he'd go to the event tonight. He'd figured as Marissa said that it would good for him to go to it and help him move on. He was a little worried about going alone though. That's why he wanted to ask Marissa to it. He knew that it probably didn't sound very appealing, but maybe he was appealing enough for Marissa to want to go. He remembered what Marissa said and then replied, "Well I didn't know her too well…obviously."

She nodded and said, "Well, therapy is over for today."

Neither made a move to get up, just watched the other. After a while he finally got up and started to go, but hesitated at the door. Marissa watched him, clearly amused with his hesitance. "So I'm going to that party tonight." He stated.

She smiled and said, "That's good that you're trying to move on."

He nodded and said, "Yeah." He stood there a little while, trying to gain the courage to ask her. He finally decided to just do it. "Well I was thinking maybe you can come with me…" he saw the shock on her face and didn't know if it was good shock or bad so he just kept talking. "I mean, it could be fun maybe if we make it and we can both make fun of the other people there that are dressed like they're in a fashion show.."

"Ryan." She said, cutting him off from his rambling. "I don't know how professional it would be for me to go with you.." she looked away from him so she wouldn't see his reaction.

He felt his hopes grinding to a halt and crashing. "I….well what was dinner the other day?"

"A mistake." She said, still refusing to look at him so he wouldn't see the emotions on her face.

"Oh."

"And I was supposed to meet up with my friend tonight…" She said. "I'm sure there's someone else you'd rather go with…"

He shook his head and in a small, quiet voice said, "I wanted you." He shook his head once more and stood up straighter. "Well it probably won't be any fun anyways. I could probably go on my own for a little while and then just leave." He started heading for the door when he heard a voice.

"I'm sorry." Marissa said softly. "If things were different…"

He didn't turn around and said, "Thanks anyways," and walked off as quickly as he could.

Marissa meanwhile once again sighed and put her head in her hands, wondering how she could fix this.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N So I actually wrote this chapter last week and posted it on the OC addicts message boards but since I was with my dad, I couldn't post it on here so sorry for the wait….though it wasn't really long. Review if you do read please and I hope you enjoy.**

Marissa walked into her house and was greeted by none other than her best friend Summer Roberts. "Coop!" Summer practically yelled at her friend. She had been sitting on the couch watching a rerun of the Valley, a show that she'd loved ever since it started years ago. It was pretty far into the show, almost like the next 90210.

"Hey Sum." She replied a little sadly to her friend. She put down her purse and her keys and turned to her friend who was giving her a look. "What?"

Summer dragged her to the couch and made her sit down then took a seat next to her. "Okay Coop, spill, what's going on?"

She looked at her best friend like she was crazy and said, "Nothing."

Summer raised one eyebrow and said, "I've been your best friend for years and I know when there's something going on." She picked up a pillow and said, "Now I think you should tell me voluntarily before I have to beat it out of you."

She laughed and said, "Well you know that shooting at the event a while back?"

Summer looked at her strangely and said, "You're still hung up on that?"

Marissa sighed and said, "I'm the therapist for the survivor…"

"There was a survivor?" Summer asked, trying to remember something about the shooting.

"Yeah, Ryan Atwood." She said, trying to see if her friend remembered seeing something about that.

Summer thought and then said, "Oh, I remember now. I saw him on TV or something….that guy is hot." Marissa recalled Ryan's image in her mind and smiled a little. He definitely was good looking. Summer was watching her the whole time and said, "Coop, what was that?"

"What?" She asked, not sure what Summer was talking about.

"That face that you made." Summer said, analyzing her friend. "It happened when I said that the guy was hot…" Summer gasped and said, "I know your problem!"

"What's my problem?" She asked, not sure if Summer understood.

"You totally have a thing for the guy!" Summer said, standing up. "Oh my gosh Coop, you have a crush on the guy!"

"I do not!" She replied defensively. "I'm just his therapist Sum!"

Summer paced around and said, "That's what you're telling yourself, but deep down you have feelings for him." She looked at her best friend and said, "I know you better than you know yourself sometimes, and I know that what I'm saying is true."

"Well I guess you don't know me as well as you thought you do because I don't have feelings for him." She thought about Ryan and their dinner the other day and how easy it was for them to have a conversation together without getting uncomfortable and tried to shake the thoughts from her mind but all she could think of was him. "That would be very unprofessional."

Summer gave her an exasperated look and said, "So what? If you like him Coop, you gotta tell him."

"I don't like him so there's nothing to tell." She replied, crossing her arms in front of her body.

"Okay, let's go along with what you're saying. What's your problem then?" Summer asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Well we had dinner the other day…" She attempted to start, but of course was interrupted by Summer.

"See, therapists and clients don't have dinner unless there's something else going on!"

She glared at her friend and said, "That's the problem. I was just…vulnerable at the time, and he was there and he was hurt also. It was like we just connected…" She said, thinking back to her and Ryan's feelings that night.

Summer looked at her friend and shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Mhmm, and this is a problem because?"

She glared once more at her friend and said, "well if you would've let me finish…"

"Sorry, I'm all ears now." Summer said, putting up her hands in surrender.

"okay, so after our dinner the other night…we had therapy and he ended up asking me to go to this event with him…" She said, trailing off, remembering the hurt in his voice when she told him that she wouldn't go. She never meant to hurt him…far from it actually. She just didn't think it was a good idea for them to be involved as more than a therapist and client.

"Wait, wait, wait. He asked you to an event and you said no?" Summer asked, eyes wide and hands on her hips.

"Yeah." She said, not understanding why it was such a big deal.

"When was this party?" Summer asked.

She looked at her watch and said, "In like an hour and a half."

Summer's eyes got even more wide and she said, "You're going to that party."

"No, I'm not." She said firmly.

"yeah, you are." Summer said, dragging her friend to her closet. "And I'm going with you."

"Why would you do that?" She asked.

"Because I want to see how it all works out." Summer said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Summer started going through her closet and she sighed. "This is going to be a long night."

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Ryan arrived at the party alone and rather bummed. He always used to have someone to talk to and it was hard to get over the fact that he now had no one to talk to, well, except for the Newpsies of course. But come on, who ever wants to talk to the Newpsies. He walked around, observing everyone. It was weird being at another part after his last. He almost expected that whenever someone would reach into their jackets or pockets that they'd bring out a gun or another weapon. He sighed and went to the bar and ordered a drink. He wished Marissa was here.

He continued for about half an hour, just walking around, hearing people whisper behind his back about him. He was just about to leave when he saw someone he hadn't expected to. He watched Marissa for a while, a smile slowly coming onto his face. She was wearing a strapless black dress with her hair pulled up in a bun. He noted how beautiful she looked, her eyes reflecting all the lights from the party. He walked up to her and said, "I thought you weren't coming."

She saw him and he saw her hesitate with herself and then finally smile. "I got convinced to go by my friend." She said, turning her attention to a short brunette that was getting drinks at the bar.

"Oh, so it had nothing to do with me?" He said with a small smirk.

He saw her hesitate again and start to struggle with what to say. "Well…I..um.."

He smiled and noted how adorable she was. "I was joking." He said.

She blushed and smiled sheepishly. "Oh." She said.

Just then Summer came back and she turned her attention to Ryan. "I've seen you on the news before." She said with a nod of her head. "I was just telling Coop over here earlier how hot you were."

He grinned and said, "Thank you." He turned to Marissa who was shooting a death glare at her friend.

Marissa turned to Ryan and said, "This is my best friend Summer Roberts. Summer, this is Ryan Atwood…my client."

He noticed the way Marissa said client as if there was nothing more going on between him but didn't let it get to him. He'd make her realize her feelings for him, and if she didn't have any, he'd make her have some. "It's nice to meet you." He said, holding out his hand for Summer to shake.

She shook it and gave him a smile. "Nice to meet you too."

He let go of her hand and said, "Well whatever the reason you came…I'm glad you did." He looked at Marissa and gave her a smile. "I don't want to do this alone."

He saw her slowly start to give into him but she was still holding onto her resolve to stay client-therapist. "We'll make sure you won't, won't we Coop?" Summer asked, giving her friend a look that didn't go by him.

She nodded and said, "yeah, I'm here for you."

He smiled widely and said, "That's all I ask for."

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Marissa had been fighting it all night, but she knew she couldn't for much longer. She'd made sure she kept her distance from Ryan, keeping at least a foot in between them, making sure their hands didn't brush each others. She didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea….or so she told herself. That's when it dawned on her that she wouldn't be trying so hard to pretend that they weren't something more than therapist and client if she didn't have some sort of feelings for him. So that's when she finally let herself look at him without a fear of him getting the wrong idea. They were already something more than what she thought they were before…there was no need to fight it.

She looked at his shaggy blonde hair and blue eyes observing the scene in front of him and smiled softly to herself. He really did fit in here despite everything he'd said about not doing so. He looked at her and smiled. "What?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" She asked, unsure of what he was implying.

"I mean…what?" He said. "Why are you staring at me?"

"I'm not staring." She said, emphasizing the word staring. "I'm just observing."

"yeah, right." He said with a smirk.

"I am." She said defensively. When he just rolled his eyes, she playfully pushed him, feeling his strong muscles beneath her hands. She gulped and pulled her hand away.

He watched her and then said, "What are we exactly?"

"What do you mean?" She asked, confused to where he was going.

"Me…and…you…us…" He said, shifting his weight to lean on his right foot. "What are we?"

She thought about it and took a sip of her drink. After a while she looked into his eyes and said, "Friends."

He smiled and said, "You mean it?"

She nodded and smiled back. "I can't deny it anymore."

"I don't want you to." He said. He looked at the scene in front of him and then said, "Come with me."

"Where?"

"Do you trust me?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.

She thought about it and then nodded. "yeah, I guess I do."

He grabbed her hand and said, "Then the rest doesn't matter."

She let him take her away from the party and into his car where he drove off. He didn't let go of her hand the whole time, something that she didn't know what meant. She didn't pull back either, which she really didn't understand as well. She was surprised at how her hand seemed to fit perfectly into his and felt so right there, like that's where it belonged. She looked out the window and watched him drive through all the familiar streets of Newport until he came up to a cemetery. She turned and looked at him confused and said, "What are we doing here?"

He didn't look at her, just softly said, "You'll see."

They drove into it, driving along the roads that led through the place until they came to a place with a tree overhead and benches nearby. He stopped the car and they got out and then he held her hand again, this time as if he needed her. She clung to his hand as well, still a little freaked out by cemeteries and a little depressed to be in one after her father and sister's death. They walked for a little while until they reached an area beneath a large tree and there Ryan stopped and looked at the headstones. That's when she understood.

Sanford Cohen, Kirsten Cohen, Seth Cohen  
Taken too fast  
Beloved father, mother, and son

"For a while there was a funeral every day." He said softly, still staring at the stone. "So many dead bodies, they couldn't possibly do it all quickly. They'd have three funerals a day. I went to every single one of them." He looked at her and said, "I felt that I owed it to them." She was going to say something but he put a finger to her lips. "Don't say anything." He practically whispered. He pulled his finger away and said, "I gave a eulogy at their funerals." He looked at the stone again and said, "A lot of the town was there. Everyone had something to say, something to give. The Cohens were amazing and helped so many people.

"Sandy's funeral was filled with people who he'd defended. There were people there like me that he'd given a second chance, people that he saved. Some of them spoke and gave a few words, others just looked down at the ground and cried. Everyone there though was affected by Sandy one way or another. Sandy was an amazing man, a better one then I'll ever be." He sighed and she could see him fighting the tears and she squeezed his hand gently, letting him know that she was still here for him. "I miss him a lot…he was the only dad I really had, the one that I always imagined having as a kid. I'll never forget him.

"Kirsten's funeral was filled with people from the Newport Group and different people from all over town that she used to hang out with or plan events with. She was really an amazing woman also. She was born in Newport, unlike Sandy. When I first came, she was against me staying in the house. She believed that I would do something to hurt Seth, but then she was the one there when my mom left me saying I could stay with her and Sandy. She made me feel welcome and I loved her for that. She was a much better mom than my own and of course, as all people, she wasn't perfect, but if you ask me…she was pretty close to it.

"Seth…what can I say about his funeral?" He asked with a small laugh. "It was probably the most interesting thing I've ever seen, in a good way of course…well, not really, I don't know. Anyways, he had a lot of his fans from his comic books come and they left things from their own drawings to copies of his comic book that they loved so much. There were a lot of people that really thought he was a cool guy, more than I thought before. He had everyone there from the place he worked at and everyone had something good to say about him. That's Seth though for you though, he had a good heart."

He looked at her with watery eyes and said, "I loved them so much…and it's hard to imagine my life without them sometimes." Then he smiled through the tears and said, "But I'm glad we can be friends. You have no idea how much that means to me."

She smiled back at him and said, "I kind of have a clue." She let go of his hand and suddenly hers felt wrong without his around hers but she hugged him and tried to comfort him. "It's going to be okay."

"How can you be sure though?" He asked, wrapping his arms around her and letting her embrace him. "How do you know it's going to be okay?"

She thought back to earlier and repeated his words, "Do you trust me?"

He nodded and said, "Of course."

She gave him a small smile and pulled back from the hug but still kept her arms on his shoulders and said, "Then the rest doesn't matter."


	6. Chapter 6

It was currently eight thirty p.m. Marissa bounced her knee up and down and checked the doorway one more time. Ryan was supposed to come here at seven for therapy, and he hadn't showed. She looked at her cell phone and saw that she still had no missed calls or messages. She sighed and looked at the clock one more time...he was an hour and a half late. He never missed therapy, never failed to call her when he was going to be late...which was only once in the two months she'd known him. She glanced at her phone one last time before picking it up and dialing his number.

It rang and rang, and then the answering machine came on. _'Hi, this is Ryan, I'm not in or don't want to talk to you for some reason...you should know which. So I guess, leave a message and I'll try to get back to you.' _She sighed and took in a deep breath and then heard the beep.

"Um, this is Marissa...where are you?" She asked, even though she knew he wasn't going to answer her. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair before saying, "So um...I guess call me." She hung up her phone and then debated what to do in her mind. She could go by his house, but she usually didn't leave the office until at least nine since she had so much work to do. She looked at all the files on her desk, each holding someone's information and stood up. Ryan would be fine, right?

She went to her desk and started looking through the files, looking through her notes as well. She was supposed to go through and decide which sessions could be terminated, whether it be that she no longer need to assist them or that they should be referred to another therapist for whatever reason. She got through one file, but still, her mind drifted to Ryan and what could be taking him so long. She'd talked to him earlier in the week, they'd even had dinner together...as friends of course...but still, dinner and he seemed fine then. She wondered what could be wrong.

She glanced at the clock, it was eight forty five. She sighed and put her head in her hands and then realized that she wouldn't get any work done unless she knew what was going on. She got up, grabbed her purse and some extra files and walked out. She put the stuff in the passenger seat of her car and started it. She began the fifteen minute drive to Ryan's house...a place she had actually never been before. He'd given her directions in case she ever felt the urge to see him, but she hadn't really had any time and was too tired. But now it seemed like a really good thing that he had given her the directions.

She followed them carefully, getting lost a couple of times, but eventually came up to a gated community. She sighed and then looked on the paper and saw that Ryan gave her instructions on how to deal with the guys to let her in. She did as it said, and was let inside. She drove up to the house that had Ryan's address and turned off the car. She got out and walked up the walkway to his front door. She looked up at the house while doing so, and its size literally took her breath away. It was certainly large, and very beautiful. She walked up to the front door and took in a deep breath. Ryan's car was out front, so maybe he had just forgotten about therapy or something.

She shook her head, not even believing herself.

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_"Ha, told you so." Seth said with a smirk. He just rolled his eyes and Seth said, "I think you owe me an apology."_

_He shook his head and said, "Do you really blame me for not believing your story about having a girlfriend." At his friend's expression, it was his turn to smirk. "Yeah, that's what I thought."_

_Seth rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever...I'm going to go get drinks." He looked at Anna and said, "Anything you want?"_

_Anna shook her head and said, "No, I'm fine, thanks." She smiled at Seth and Seth smiled back at her, not going unnoticed by Ryan._

_He looked at Anna and after Seth left he said, "So, you're into Seth huh?"_

_She nodded and looked at him. "He's so different from any other guy I've met." She looked off to where Seth was getting a drink and said, "And we have similar interests. It's hard to find a decent guy sometimes."_

_He looked after his adoptive brother and smiled slightly. "He's a good guy." He turned to Anna again and said, "Don't hurt him."_

_She shook her head and smiled at him. "I won't."_

It was a bad day. Well, it was a really bad day. He'd had heard people talk about depression before, how it really tore you down and ruined you. What he hadn't heard was the way it made you want to shout and cry and scream at anyone and everyone that would listen and ask why this had happened to you, what had you done to deserve it. But at the same time, you couldn't say anything, because a part of you was almost dead, lifeless, and utterly dull. You wanted to shout, but you didn't have the words. You wanted to hit something, but you didn't have the energy. You wanted to cry, but you didn't have the tears.

That is what it felt like to be depressed. That, on that day, is what it felt like to be Ryan Atwood.

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When the door opened, she didn't know whether to jump for joy or to frown at the person in front of her. Marissa ran her eyes over him, taking in his appearance. His hair was messy and looked like he hadn't gotten out of bed. His clothes were wrinkled and she was sure he'd been wearing them for a while. There were bags under his eyes, but none of that compared to the way he looked at her with his eyes. They were so emotionless, something she'd never really seen in his eyes. Whenever she was near him, or talked, or smiled even, his eyes always held a tiny spark in them, a tiny twinkle that had somehow made her feel special, even though she knew that it was wrong.

But now, his eyes were dull and lifeless. They were a really light blue, almost a gray even, something that she'd never expected to see in his eyes. There was something truly wrong with him, and she wanted to know what. "Why are you here?" He asked, not sounding happy and upbeat and happy to be in her presence like he usually was.

She moved past him into the house without waiting for him to invite her in, somehow knowing that he wasn't and said, "Why am I here?" She turned around and put her hands on her hips, glaring at him. "I was worried about you. You didn't show up for therapy."

He stared at her and then walked past her and said, "Sorry, I was…uh…busy."

She could feel herself becoming angry with him and said, "Busy." He nodded and kept walking and she said, "Ryan, stop." He stopped and looked at her, giving her a 'what the hell do you want' look. "Busy with what?"

He looked around as if he was coming up with a good lie and said, "Busy with….stuff." He nodded to emphasize it and she rolled her eyes.

"What have you been doing?" She asked, becoming quite aggravated with him.

He sighed and said, "Do you want to know the truth?"

She nodded and said, "Yeah."

He sighed and took her hand and led her up to his room. She felt a little uncomfortable to be in it, but also curious at the same time. He had a large room, with a large king size bed and she started to think about how it could be used when Ryan said, "Here."

She didn't understand him and asked, "Here?"

He nodded and said, "I've been right here." He pointed to the bed and said, "I've been here, thinking about what happened exactly six months ago today."

She looked at him and then remembered. Her eyes got wide and she said, "Ryan, I'm so sorry…"

"For what?" He asked quickly. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for."

"But still, I could've remembered…I mean…" She then realized that there was nothing that she could do to take away the pain. There was nothing she could say. She sighed and said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

He thought about it and then said, "Yeah, I'd like it if you would take me to the house."

"The house?" She questioned.

He nodded and said, "The Cohen house. I haven't been there since that night. Maybe if I go there, I'll remember."

She nodded and said, "Well, I guess we're going to the house then."

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_He looked down at his watch and saw that it was getting kind of late. He went up to Sandy and Kirsten and said, "Me and look should get going." He gave them a smile and said, "But great party."_

_They looked at him sadly and Kirsten said, "Well, we can understand that. Just make sure you come around though. And we need to start talking about Seth's birthday party…you know how he gets about those things." She put her arms around him and said, "We love you."_

_He pulled back from the hug and looked at them and said, "I love you guys too."_

So many things had happened here, so many things he'd said and done. So many lives were changed, so many lives lost. Ryan walked around the house, and bits and pieces of previous memories came back to him. His first night in the house, the first time he met Seth, the first time he met Kirsten. His last night here before he went to college, his last Chrismukkah with the Cohens, his last day with the Cohens. The Cohens screaming for help. The way they looked after being shot.

The way their eyes rolled back in their head, the way the blood pooled to the floor. The way everything around him smelled of blood and death. The way everything went from so quiet to so loud. The way he ran with everyone else, the way he tried to help people.

He walked through the house that he'd been to so much and when he was done walking through this place filled with memories, he walked back to Marissa who was hugging herself tightly. He thought about how he wished he'd been able to take her into this house when the Cohens were alive and introduce her to them. He thought about how they would've been delighted to meet this woman who he had so quickly gotten feelings for. He looked into her eyes which looked frightened and a bit sad and said what everyone had been wanting him to say for the past six months. He said what he'd secretly hoped he'd never have to say. He walked up to her and said, "I remember."

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"_I love you guys too."_

_Just then, there was a loud sound, almost like a firecracker. It mad everyone stop in their tracks. Everyone turned their heads and suddenly there were screams, loud shrieks. Everyone was afraid to move, afraid of what was going on. Someone yelled, "You just killed him!"_

"_Do you want to be next?" Came a male voice. Ryan's eyes widened. He'd heard of what it was like to hear gunshots before, but he'd never actually heard one for real. Movies couldn't do any justice to the sound. There were screams, and then another shot came. A figure appeared from the house and asked, "Who's next?"_

"_Everybody get down!" Ryan yelled, but no one really listened. Everyone was too busy watching the figure coming towards them. No one could see them yet, but everyone could tell it was a male. That was the problem with this town. Everyone always wanted to know what was going on, everyone had to be informed about everything that was happening. Couldn't they understand that this was life threatening? _

_He started to run away, tried to drag the Cohens, but suddenly it became too late. He hadn't been looking out for Luke. The figure got a wicked laugh and walked towards Ryan's friend. Luke held up his hands and said, "Don't shoot me…I've….I've never been to one of these before. I don't know most of the people here." He looked over to Ryan and he could see the fear in his friend's eyes. _

_The figure laughed bitterly and said, "You're lucky then." And then he shot Luke in the stomach. _

_He saw Luke fall and wanted to say something, but then Sandy spoke up instead. "What do you think you're doing?" He asked in a bit of a shaky voice. "Why are you doing this?" He corrected._

_The figure walked towards him and said, "Because no one cared what I did before, why should they care now?" He walked towards Sandy and said, "No one even knows who I am." He looked to a woman who was holding her child in her arms and said, "You, what's my name?"_

_The lady started crying and said, "I don't know."_

_His eyes were hard and cold and he said, "I thought so." He shot her and her child on the spot. He looked at a man that was about Ryan's age and said, "You, do you know anything about me?"_

_The man shook his head and said, "No, I've never seen you before."_

_The shooter shook his head and said, "I sat next to you every single day in our senior year. Every single fucking day." He shot the guy in the head, and laughed when he fell to the ground, part of his head missing._

_He turned to Sandy and said, "That's why, right there."_

_Sandy shook his head and said, "That isn't a reason for this. You can stop now, it's not too late."_

_But the person wasn't looking for a long speech about what was right and wrong and rolled his eyes and lifted the gun, pointing it at Sandy's head. "You know, you talk too much, has anyone ever told you that?" One shot, and now Sandy would never talk again._

_He turned and looked and everyone started running. He started shooting random people, laughing his evil laugh the whole time. Ryan watched everyone he grew up with, cared for, loved, be shot right in front of his eyes. He looked at the shooter's face and remembered that he'd seen him before. Ryan ran around and tried to help people, tried to save whoever he could. He would hide when he saw the shooter's gun lift. He managed to avoid the shot, managed to stay out of sight. But after everyone was suffering, after almost everyone else was shot, he was obviously the only one moving. _

_The shooter looked into his eyes and said, "What about you? Do you have something you want to say before I kill you too?"  
_

_He nodded and said, "Oliver Trask. Harbor High, you were held back and were in my grade. I watched you, watched how people hurt you, but never dared to help in fear that I'd end up getting in trouble."_

_He saw the way Oliver's eyes started to water. So Ryan continued. "I saw when Jennifer Brooks broke up with you. I saw the way you went into the restroom and came out with your wrists slit. I saw the way everyone looked at you like you were stupid. When you weren't looking, I'd get mad at them. I never joined in, I never stopped them completely, but sometimes I tried."_

_He saw the tears start to fall down Oliver's face and he said, "Look what you've done man. All because no one knew who you were? Know that I cared." He took in a deep breath and felt the tears stinging the back of his eyes, but he wouldn't cry. "So go ahead, shoot me." He gave Oliver a daring look._

_Oliver shook his head and said, "No, I won't."_

_He was bewildered. "Why not? You killed everyone else. Why not kill me?"_

_Oliver started to walk away and said, "Someone has to live to tell the story." Oliver lifted the gun to his own head. Ryan wouldn't let him kill himself though, he couldn't let Oliver get away with this. _

"_No, don't do it!" He yelled, and tackled Oliver. Oliver broke free though and grabbed the gun and started to run. Ryan got up and followed, but Oliver turned and shoved him with all his might, sending him back and his head hit the edge of a table. He was on the verge of blacking out, and right before he closed his eyes, he heard sirens in the background. But above that, he heard a gunshot._

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Marissa was pacing back and forth from the other side of the glass in the negotiating room at the police station. She saw the way this was effecting Ryan, how hard it was for him to talk about what happened. More than anything she wanted to go in there and hold his hand, hold him, tell him that everything was going to be okay. But she was only allowed to watch from over here and it was eating her up inside to see Ryan going through this without her help. He needed her, couldn't everyone see that.

"So it was Oliver Trask?" Detective Harper asked. Ryan nodded and the detective said, "I need you to answer for the record."

"Yes." Ryan said quietly.

"And you heard a gunshot afterwards?" The detective asked.

"Yes." Ryan replied.

"And then you blacked out?"

"Yes." He repeated, clearly getting annoyed. "Look, I told you what happened. The guy you want is obviously dead."

Marissa sighed and leaned against the glass, wanting to comfort Ryan. The detective nodded and said, "So after this, you couldn't remember anything else?"

"No, I remember waking up in the hospital with no memory of what had happened." Ryan said.

The detective nodded and put his hands on the table, leaning on it. "Mr. Trask's body was found a couple of days later somewhere a little while away from the Cohen house. I guess we didn't put two and two together." He looked at Ryan and said, "You're free to go, thanks for the help."

Ryan nodded and got up, and Marissa quickly walked out of the room she was in and walked to him. He looked at her and walked up to her, and without saying anything, she took his hand and led him to the car they had driven in outside. She wanted to say so much to him, wanted to tell him how proud she was of him for doing such a good job with the detective, but couldn't seem to find the words. He didn't say anything to her either, so they drove back to his house in silence. When they got there, Ryan still didn't say anything to her, didn't even look at her. She was confused to why he was practically ignoring her, but followed him inside quietly.

When they were there, he walked to his living room and sat on his couch. He put his head in his hands and sighed. Finally he looked up at her and said, "What an emotional day huh?" He gave her a weak smile and patted the spot next to him on the couch.

She went and sat down beside him, making sure to keep her distance in case he didn't want to be close to her. "Yeah, I guess it has been." She looked at him, the way he seemed tired and drained. "How are you feeling?" She asked.

"Fine I guess." He said, looking down. She didn't buy it.

"Ryan, tell me." She said.

He shook his head and said, "You wouldn't understand. No one understands what it's like to feel this miserable."

She shook her head and said, "When Caitlin and dad died, I remember going on like it was okay. I didn't cry a lot, and thought I was doing good. But then it just hit me one day randomly that they were never coming back. It hurt, you know, knowing that you'd never see them again." She looked at him and said, "I went into this fit of depression. I blocked everyone out and wanted to stay in my room all day. My mom sort of was in her own world so didn't notice. I thought I was all alone." She saw him turn to her and said, "But how could I understand how you're feeling right? That was totally different."

She raised her eyebrows and he said, "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" she asked.

"How do you read me like that?" He asked, a slight flash of amazement in his eyes.

She shrugged and said, "It's my job."

He shook his head and said, "It's more than that and you know it." He looked into her eyes, and she quickly looked away.

She ignored his comment and said, "So you never answered my question. How do you feel?"

He sighed and said, "I feel like crap. I feel like nothing. I feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe, always getting stepped on and hurt. I feel like I want to scream, but it takes too much effort. I want to cry, but don't know how. I want to move on, but I can't. So I'm stuck here in this phase, feeling like there's nothing left for me to live for. I've lost my family, my friend, my whole life." He looked up at her and said, "But then you come. And suddenly, I want to sleep."

She looked at him curiously. "I make you want to sleep? Wow, I didn't know I was that boring."

He shook his head and laughed. "No, not that way. I haven't slept well for days, and now I have the sudden desire to close my eyes and start over again." He sighed and said, "But I just don't know how."

She smiled and said, "come here." He scooted closer to her and lay his head on her lap. He looked up into her eyes and she smiled down at him. "It'll all get better." She said. She ran her hand along his face, rubbing his cheek softly. She ran a hand through his hair, soothing him. She saw him start to fall asleep, and she hummed softly to him. She watched him and when she heard his breathing even out, she knew he was fast asleep. She didn't move to get up. She didn't want to get up if she was honest with herself. She knew that soon she was going to want to cross a line that she'd never crossed before. She was going to want to give into her feelings that were starting to form for Ryan. But for now, as Ryan said, she wanted to sleep. She wanted to close her eyes and forget about her problems and wake up new and refreshed.

But she didn't close her eyes. Instead she looked down at Ryan's sleeping face and tried to make sense of everything. She tried to predict what would happen in these coming months between her and Ryan. But she came up with nothing. Instead, she just ran a hand through Ryan's hair, marveling at how good it felt to have some sort of contact with him. And when she was sure he was in a deep sleep, she gently lifted his head and stood up. But before she left, she kneeled down by the couch and whispered, "It'll all be okay." And gently, so that she wouldn't wake him, she kissed him goodbye. He'd never find out, she would make sure of that, and even though he had no clue what had just happened between them, she left all giddy and happy.

And even though she knew no good could come from it, she wished that she could do it again...with him awake.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I know it's been over a year, but hopefully someone will still find this story worth reading. I estimate there are two chapters left after this one. I have a lot of stories to finish, and I plan on knocking them out one at a time. So please review if you still like this story...and Happy New Year!**

_I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you  
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you  
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine  
Now I'm shinin' too  
Because, oh because, I've fallen quite hard over you_  
-Landon Pigg "Coffee Shop"

It had been months since Ryan had remembered that fateful night that had taken everything he'd ever loved from him, but for the moment he was doing okay. The months had been spent going to therapy and just hanging out with Marissa in general. Sometimes he broke down and refused to leave his room, much less go to therapy, and Marissa would drive to his house and drag him out of bed. They'd end up going to a comedy or she'd tell him funny stories from her childhood that made him smile and forget the pain for at least that moment. She was always there, always helpful, and she made him feel like there was a reason he'd survived that day.

It was a therapy day which meant he got out of work early so he could see Marissa. When she called him into the office, he smiled at her and said, "Hey."

She closed the door behind him and said, "Hi." He knew the drill so he went to sit down in the black leather couch that Marissa had placed in front of her own chair. She'd redecorated the office after he'd said it felt more like he was going to see the principal than getting help. Now it had plants and artwork on the wall that made you stare at it and just feel like talking about the most random yet important things on your mind. She sat down across from him and looked over at him with her hands clasped together. She bit her lip, which he immediately knew meant she had something on her mind.

"What's wrong?" he asked, reaching over to take one of her hands into his.

She looked down at their hands together and let out a long, deep sigh. "I've been thinking a lot lately about us and our friendship," She started. He ran his thumb along the top of her hand and her breath caught in her throat.

"What about it?" he asked softly, looking at her intently. He knew her and knew that she didn't come out and say something without carefully choosing her words.

She took in a deep breath and then said, "Ryan, I can't be your therapist anymore."

Her words hit him hard. "What do you mean by that?" he asked quietly, not able to understand how she could just say this out of the blue. Their therapy sessions had been going great, hadn't they? They'd made some major progress and he honestly looked forward to talking about his feelings with her.

"It means exactly what I said; I can't be your therapist," She said softly, refusing to look at his eyes. He took his hand from hers and stood up, now running that hand through his hair.

"I can't believe this," he said sadly. He was quiet for a few minutes and then finally said, "Can I at least ask why?"

She sighed and said, "There's a rule in the books that psychiatrists can't treat their friends or family." She looked over at him to see that he was still refusing to look at her. It hurt her, but she knew that he needed his space right now. "So it was either be your therapist, or be your friend."

"And you chose to be my friend," He stated, the realization of what this meant hitting him. He glanced over at her to see her smiling slightly at him. He smiled back and said, "Oh."

She nodded and stood to walk over to him. She stood in front of him and nodded. "I shouldn't have become friends with you. It was against my ethics…but maybe this will make it alright."

He pulled her into a hug, something they did quite frequently lately. She rested her head in the crook of his neck and breathed in his manly smell. He rubbed circles on her back and it sent chills through her body. She knew it was wrong to feel this way for him, even if she wasn't going to be his therapist anymore, but she couldn't help it anymore than she could help the sky being blue or the grass being green. "Thank you," he murmured, and then kissed the top of her head.

She smiled into the crook of his neck and replied, "Don't mention it."

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"Okay, so that was probably the worst movie I've ever seen," Marissa said with a roll of her eyes at the end of the movie, _It's a Wonderful Life. _

Ryan shook his head and said, "I happen to like this movie. It's one of my favorites."

Marissa looked over at him with raised eyebrows. "Seriously?"

He nodded and said, "It has a pretty happy ending, something that makes a movie great in my books."

"First of all, the movie was in black and white, which is totally a turn off for me," Marissa said, reaching for the bowl of popcorn that was set on the couch in between them. "Second, the beginning is really boring. Parts of the movie drag on for a long time, and what about the guy that plays the main character? He looks the same from when he's a teenager to when he has his kids. That's just wrong."

Ryan took the popcorn bowl away and she frowned. "Okay, yeah, I agree with you on the color of the movie, or lack thereof, but you have to admit that the ending was really nice."

"What? The cheesiness of what would happen if he hadn't been there? And how this 'angel' made him realize that he really as better off alive than dead? I don't buy it for a bit," She said with another roll of her eyes, reaching for the bowl. "That kind of thing doesn't happen in real life. Look at the suicide rates."

"But suicide is wrong, and if someone stops it then it's a good thing," he pointed out.

She shook her head and said, "The movie was too unreal for me. If things like that happened every day, then I wouldn't have a job." She climbed on top of him when he wouldn't give her the popcorn bowl and said, "Now give me the popcorn!"

He still held it out of her reach and tried not to notice the way she was straddling him. "No, not until you admit the movie is good."

She shook her head and said, "Not going to happen. Life isn't solved by angels mysteriously coming down and ending depression and all of our problems."

"Maybe it isn't, but the movie is, and you have to admit that it's pretty nice to imagine a world where angels stop someone from killing themselves," he said, looking at her face with a small smile. "Come on, admit that you liked the cheesiness of the movie…I won't tell anyone."

She finally caved and said, "Okay, maybe it was kind of nice."

He smiled and handed her the popcorn bowl. She grinned and got off of him and sat beside him. She grabbed the remote and changed it to some news channel where they saw something about a suicide. She sighed and he said, "That's a horrible coincidence." He looked over to see her mind a million miles away. He put an arm around her and asked, "Where's your mind?"

She blinked quickly and came back to the present. "I used to have a client like that."

"Like what?" He asked softly, trying to understand what she was going through.

"Depressed…suicidal…the whole shebang," she said quietly. She looked out into space and sighed, then put the popcorn on his coffee table.

"What happened to them?" he asked, his heart going out to her.

She was quiet for a long time and he almost thought she didn't hear him until she whispered, "She killed herself."

The pain on her face was heart breaking so he pulled her closer to him. She buried her face into his chest. "I'm so sorry…" He murmured, not sure what else there was to say.

"She was a teenager, only fourteen," Marissa said after a few minutes. "Her mom hadn't wanted to get her help earlier, until finally her father dragged her to therapy. She was so closed off, empty…so broken."

Ryan rubbed her back soothingly and murmured, "So what happened?"

She pulled away from him and stared off into space, leaning her head onto his shoulder. "It was one of my first cases I was assigned to alone. I was still getting used to the fact that I was finally what I'd wanted to be since I was in high school. I was a rookie, so to speak. I had never met anyone like her before; someone so deeply depressed that they seemed to be only a shell of who they used to be." She let out a long sigh and then said, "One day she started to open up to me. She told me about how she used to have this great relationship with her dad, but how ever since her grandmother had fallen sick earlier in the year they had started to argue and never could find something nice to say to each other. She talked about her younger brother who started to tell her he hated her, and about how her friends had seemingly abandoned her. She talked about her rocky relationship with her mom, and then she talked about how her grandma – who she'd always seen as loving – started to hurt her.

"I put her on antidepressants and told her parents that she was going through a rough time, and that maybe they should all go through therapy sessions together, as a family, to get to the place that they needed to be. They both refused. Her father didn't think there was a problem between him and his daughter, and the mother was against therapy in general, so she was left with her pills and the occasional therapy session that her parents remembered to take her to.

"She told me one day that it was getting worse all the time. The pills weren't working, only making things worse, so I told he we should try something else. Everyone responds differently to medication, so I figured maybe we only needed to find the right one for her. One day she came in and told me that her mom said she couldn't go to therapy anymore. I asked her what she thought about that, and she told me that she didn't really know what to think anymore, that nothing was helping her…that maybe it would be better if…"

Marissa's voice broke and a lone tear fell down her face. Ryan put his hand on the side of her face and wiped the tear away tenderly, his eyes glued to her face. She looked over at him and stared into his eyes for a long time, trying to erase the pain that still haunted her from that certain patient. "Right before she left, I told her that she needed to stay strong and find someone to talk to. I gave her my number, which is against the rules, but I needed her to know that I cared enough – that someone cared enough to want her to be okay.

"I got a call a few nights later. It was obvious she'd been crying, her voice was distorted and I heard a lot of sniffling. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me everything. I tried to console her, to get her to tell me what was going on, but she only said, 'I've lost everything; my family, my friends, my life, and now you too. I'm not good enough anymore…this life isn't worth it..' I tried to convince her that it was going to be okay, that I'd call her parents and tell them to get her some more treatment…that I'd fight this all the way with her." Marissa's voice squeaked as she sobbed out, "But she told me that it was already too late, that there wasn't a point to getting better anymore. And then…"

She broke off and wouldn't finish the rest, only started sobbing into his chest. "Shh, it's okay," he murmured, kissing the top of her forehead. "I'm here, shh, don't cry."

When she regained control of herself, she finally said, "I had heard weird noises in the background, but I hadn't know what it was. I figured that she was in her bedroom under the covers, trying not to be heard by her parents or something. Then she came out and said, 'I'm tired of everything, Marissa. I'm tired of fucking everything. It hurts too much to go on. I'm doing everyone a favor by doing this. I just wanted to tell someone goodbye.' I asked her what she meant, but all she said was, 'goodbye, Marissa,' and then I heard this loud boom, and then it said something about the call being ended. I called her parents, and they were hysterical. I went over to the house to tell the police what she'd said, and I saw her body."

She looked deep into his eyes and he saw so much pain that he couldn't breathe. "She used a shotgun, Ryan. Her head was scattered all over her room. That fourteen year old girl, gone. She ended her own life, all because she didn't feel like she was worth anything, because she thought no one cared." She buried her head into the crook of his neck and sobbed, "I cared, Ryan. I really did care, but she couldn't see it. She was only fourteen…"

"I know," He murmured, kissing her forehead tenderly. He pulled back so that he could see her face and tenderly took it into his hands. "It wasn't your fault, Marissa. I know that you think it is, but it isn't. Sometimes people are just severely sick in the brain and they're set on this one way of thinking that nothing can ever get any better, so they do that to themselves. Sometimes there are angels that can save them, whether they are real or just an average person, but sometimes they just can't be saved. Sometimes they're not meant to be saved."

She looked into those blue eyes of his that she loved to stare into and let herself believe that maybe he was right. Maybe it wasn't her fault. "Why couldn't I save her though? I feel like a life has been lost because I wasn't good enough."

He shook his head and gave her a small, sad smile. "You weren't meant to save her. You saved someone else in her place."

She looked at him confusedly and asked, "Who?"

He stared deeply into her eyes, into the depths of her heart, and said, "Me. You saved me. Without you, I wouldn't know what to do. I literally didn't have anyone, and then you came along and I…" He trailed off, wondering if he should continue, if he should tell her that he'd fallen in love with her.

She searched his eyes for the words that he was about to say, but she couldn't find them. "You what?" she asked softly, desperately needing to know the answer.

"Nothing," he said, plastering a fake smile upon his face. They both knew he was lying.

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Ever since his almost love confession, Marissa had been avoiding Ryan. Well, she was technically very busy, and when she told him that she was swamped with work, she wasn't lying, but she still didn't make a point of setting an hour or two for him. She couldn't. Not when she felt this strongly for him.

The other night had erased all of her doubts; she'd fallen in love with Ryan Atwood. She'd fallen head over heels in love with her ex-client, and she knew it was wrong. She knew that people would never take her seriously as a psychiatrist ever again if they knew how easily she'd fallen in love with him. It felt as if she'd just let go of everything that she'd ever believed in and now she didn't know what to do. She just knew that she could never act upon the feelings, and in order to do that she had to distance herself from him.

One day she was working late at the office when Ryan barged in. "What have you been avoiding me?" He asked angrily, getting right to the point.

She looked over his shoulder to see one of the people that worked with her giving her an apologetic look. "He just barged in. I could call security…"

She shook her head and said, "That's not necessary." The woman shrugged and walked out of Marissa's office, shutting the door quietly behind her. Marissa then turned to Ryan and said, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, so the fact that you haven't really talked or seen me in over a week isn't a big deal?" He asked, his eyes blazing. "What'd I do?"

"Nothing. I'm not avoiding you. I've just been really busy," She said with a sigh, putting her face into her hands.

"Look at me when I'm talking!" He practically shouted at her. Her eyes shot up and he said, "So your work is more important than me?"

"No, but.."

"It sure seems that way. Do I not mean anything to you?" He asked dejectedly, plopping down onto the couch.

"Of course you do," she replied whole heartedly. _Too much_, she wanted to say.

"Are you just playing me? Is that all I was to you; just another client? You take my money and then when you get tired of me you tell me we can be friends, and then you just completely ditch me? Are you going to be like everyone else in my life?" He asked, his eyes completely devoid of emotion.

"Ryan, that's not fair, you can't accuse me of that," She said, feeling her heart break to pieces at the pain she'd obviously caused him.

"Fair," he said sardonically. "You know nothing about that word. Not fair is watching your family get shot right in front of you. Not fair is being forced to remember a night that you wanted more than anything to forget. Not fair is being told you will get over something that eats at you every single day. Not fair is being forced to stop therapy because your therapist happens to be your only friend." He stood and as he talked, started walking to the door. When he got there, he turned around and quietly said, "Not fair is falling in love with someone that obviously doesn't love you back."

And then he walked away.

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She didn't know why she was there. She knew it was wrong, that she should take this opportunity to avoid him and never have to worry about these feelings again. She really didn't know why she was knocking on his door, and why her heart beat was beating a million miles an hour. And most of all, she didn't know why when she saw him she blurted out, "You were wrong. I do love you." But she did know that when he looked at her with eyes that sparkled like a million diamonds in the sun, she wouldn't have it any other way.

"You…you do?" He asked happily, standing aside so she could walk inside his house. She slowly walked in and nodded at the same time.

She looked into his eyes and felt tears rise to her own. "Yes," she said in a broken voice. She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned her face closer to his. "Yes, I do."

And when their lips meant in their first real kiss, she knew that she was royally screwed, because Ryan Atwood was a wonderful kisser. He held her face tenderly in his hands and his lips moved over hers in the gentlest way that made her completely melt into his hands. She knew that they shouldn't be going this fast, but she also knew she'd wanted him for months now, and she couldn't take it anymore. It was because of this that she said, "Maybe we should move this to the bedroom."

Her hands were shaky as she undressed him, and he even smiled at her obvious nervousness. "I'm not going to hurt you," he promised, kissing her lips softly. "I promise I won't. And if you don't want to do this, then we don't have to. We can take it slow."

She leaned in and kissed him hard on the mouth, completley silencing him. "No stopping," she mumbled against his lips as she finished undressing him. His hand shook as he took her shirt off her head and she teased him. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"I know," He said, staring into her eyes, completely mezmorizing her. She knew staring into his eyes that he had complete faith in her. He thought she could never hurt him. She really hoped that he was right.

And when he entered her, she knew that she shouldn't be doing this, that she shouldn't be making love to Ryan, no matter how much she loved him. But she also knew that at the moment, she didn't give a damn about her ethics, only the feeling of having the man she loved inside of her.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N I know that it's been a while, and I'm sorry for that. I know that this post sucks, and I'm sorry for that too. I would've had this up sooner, but I couldn't get logged in. The next chapter is the last chapter of this story, so please stick around until then. And of course, please review if you do read. Enjoy!**

"Marissa, it's time to wake up…"

Marissa shook her head and refused to open her eyes. If there was one thing she loved, it was her sleep. She heard a soft laugh and then felt extremely soft lips on her neck. "Come on, time to get up…" He murmured against her skin, making her completely melt into his embrace. Ryan continued to lightly kiss her neck, and then started to slightly nibble, causing a low moan to emanate from her throat. His hands ran along her side and up to her chest, taking one of her breasts into his hands. She let out another long moan and he turned her face so that he could lean in and kiss those luscious lips of hers. After giving her a kiss leaving her wanting more, he pulled away and said, "Now that you're up – I have a surprise for you."

She slowly opened her eyes and stared into his own amazing blue ones. "What surprise would that be?" She asked with a flirtatious smile on her face.

He shook his head and laughed. "Nothing like that." She gave a playful pout and he leaned in to peck her lips quickly. "I made breakfast," he announced after a minute.

She raised her eyebrows and he turned to reach for something on the nightstand, then pulled a plate with bacon, eggs, and toast and handed it to her. She grinned and said, "Great sex and breakfast in bed – I think I must be dreaming."

He just smiled and leaned in to kiss her cheek. "If you're dreaming, I don't want you to ever wake up."

She ate her food and fed him some as well. They laughed and played around, and when she was done he went to put the plate back in the kitchen while she used the restroom. When he returned she was back in bed waiting for him, so he smiled and climbed in next to her. He wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into his embrace, softly kissing his lips. After a few minutes of light kissing, she pulled away and searched his eyes. "I want you to know that I don't do this a lot – or ever."

"What? Show up on some guy's door and tell him you love him, or sleep with him afterwards?" he joked, but stared into her eyes with a very serious expression.

"Both," she admitted softly. She was quiet for a moment before saying, "I hadn't done that in a long time."

He leaned in and kissed her. "Good." He pulled back and then said, "So I called in sick today. When's your first appointment?"

She sighed and said, "At three."

"When's your last?"

"Eight. I should be done at nine."

He nodded and said, "That sounds like a plan. I have some work I need to catch up on, especially if I'm going to be hanging out with you all day."

"What makes you think I want to spend the whole day with you?" She teased.

He rolled his eyes and said, "You know you can't resist me and my charm."

She laughed and kissed his chest. "I love you," she said with a smile.

He nodded and kissed her hard on the lips. "I love you too."

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The next week was spent sneaking around. Summer knew about their relationship of course, but Marissa was afraid to let the people in the office know. She'd clearly broken her ethics by having sex with and falling in love with Ryan, and even though she didn't necessarily regret it, she wasn't ready for the whole world to know how badly she'd messed up. And she had, even if she liked to tell herself she hadn't.

But for the most part they spent the next week in a state of bliss. Switching back and forth between their homes every night, they spent all of their free time together. Nights were spent doing a variety of things: taking a walk, watching a movie indoors, going out to eat, attempting to make dinner for themselves. They were really happy together, something that both of them had wanted for a long time.

One night Ryan found that he was watching some chick-flick for the third time that week. He wrapped his arms around Marissa and breathed in her sweet vanilla scent. She leaned into him and he rested his hands on her hips, his fingertips playing with the skin right under her shirt. Soon she found that his lips were on her neck and his fingers were inching their way up under her shirt. "Come on, I really like this movie," she weakly protested as he started to suck on her weak spot.

"We've already seen it," he reminded her, and continued his assault on her body. Not that she really minded all that much. There were worse things than having Ryan Atwood's hands and lips caressing your body…

One night they decided to talk about their future together. Both were naked in Ryan's bed yet again, and Marissa's fingers were making circles on his chest as he gently ran his index finger up and down her back, causing goose bumps to flare at his touch. Marissa suddenly looked at him and asked, "Big or small family?"

He pondered this for a second before saying, "Um, small I guess…"

"More boys or more girls?" She asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

"Well, as long as they're healthy, I don't really care," he replied honestly with a shrug.

"Hmm, public or private school?" She asked after a minute.

He had to think about this one. "Well, they both have their benefits. Private school is more serious I guess, but I don't want my kids to grow up to be snobs like most people in Newport." He thought of Oliver Trask and shuddered.

Marissa picked up on this. "Hey, what's wrong?"

He sighed and said, "It's nothing."

She rolled her eyes and perched herself up on her elbow so that she could look into his eyes more easily. She stared at him for a moment, and when he didn't add anything else onto his short statement, she sighed herself and said, "Ryan, you seem to forget that not only am I your girlfriend, but I used to be your therapist. I know when you're lying. You start to tense up and you won't look me in the eye." She put a hand on the side of his face and turned it so that he was forced to stare into her eyes. She lowered her voice and softly asked, "Now are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

He sighed once again and said, "Thinking about private school makes me think about what jerks guys were when it came to Oliver. It makes me wonder if when I have a kid someday, if they'll be the jerk, or the victim."

"What if they're somewhere in between?" She asked softly, resting her head on his chest again.

He slightly shrugged. "Is that even possible?"

"I like to think so."

He looked down at her and smiled slightly. "What sparked all these questions?"

She blushed slightly and said, "You're going to think I'm weird."

"I already think you're weird, so you can tell me," He joked, earning him a playful slap on the chest.

"That so wasn't funny, but I'll tell you anyways," she said with a small smile. She turned so that she was looking up at his ceiling fan and said, "I don't know what really made me want to ask them. It's just something to wonder about, you know?"

He nodded and said, "Yeah, they're pretty important to think about. What about you? You never told me what you wanted in a family."

She smiled and turned to him. "That's because we want pretty much the same things, except I want one boy and one girl for absolute sure."

"A boy and a girl, huh?" he asked with a smile.

She nodded and sheepishly said, "I've always dreamed of it."

"Well thank you for sharing your dreams with me," he said softly, leaning in to kiss her gently on the lips.

She continued the kiss, and then pulled back and let out a content sigh. "I'm happy," she suddenly blurted out. "Really and truly happy. And I'm never happy…"

"How come?" he asked curiously.

"How come what? That I'm happy, or because I'm never usually happy?"

He thought about it and then replied, "Both, I guess."

She shrugged and said, "I'm usually not happy because I'm always so worried about people. I know that I shouldn't be, that I'm supposed to leave my work at work, but I wonder about my people sometimes. Like that one girl that killed herself…sometimes I try to think of ways I can help people get back on track. Believe it or not, worrying about other people and trying to take care of them can take a real toll on somebody." She gave a weak smile and then said, "But I'm happy now because of you, or rather us. Together."

He smiled and said, "I'm happy too." He leaned in and pecked her lips again. "Do you think we'll ever get tired of this?" he asked, running his hands up to her breasts.

"Mmm, I hope not," she murmured, letting out a small moan, losing herself to the wonder that is Ryan Atwood's hands.

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She should've known that something would happen. She was never this happy, and though it had stuck in the back of her mind there were consequences she had to pay for loving Ryan, she hadn't really given it much thought.

One day she was at work going over the file of a schizophrenic male when she heard a knock at the door. "Come in," she called out, not tearing her eyes from the file until she heard a familiar voice.

"So I keep having this dream, and I was hoping you could tell me what it means," she heard Ryan say, a smile in his voice.

She looked up and offered a broad smile. "Okay, what's this dream?" she asked with a raise of her eyebrows.

"I believe we need to sit down as we would in a session," he said, feigning seriousness as he sat down on the couch and crossed one leg over the other.

She rolled her eyes and gave a small laugh, walking over to her chair and sitting down in it. "Okay, now, tell me about this dream of yours."

"Well, I'm here on this couch and talking to you," he began, trying to keep a straight face. "And then suddenly you come over to me and sit down on my lap…"

"Oh do I now?" She asked with a raise of one eyebrow.

He nodded enthusiastically and said, "Yes, you do. Anyways, so you sit on my lap and then suddenly you just start to talk about all this stuff with the mind that I don't understand, but I start to get really, uh, excited…cause your hands are moving down my body…"

She bit her bottom lip and walked over to him, taking a seat on his lap. She started to mess with the top button on his shirt and asked, "Like this?"

"Well, yeah, kind of, but you start to kiss me…"

She leaned in and pressed her warm lips on his neck, lightly nipping the skin. "Go on…"

"Well, I think you can guess the rest. What does the dream mean?"

She giggled a little and moved her lips to his mouth. "I think it means you are a very horny man, Mr. Atwood."

He laughed and kissed her back, leaning her down on the couch. "That may be so, but I am your horny man, Ms. Cooper."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," she joked, undoing the rest of the buttons on his shirt and untucking it from his pants. He started to run his hands up under her shirt and his lips down to her neck. She moaned a little, encouraging him to continue.

Suddenly she heard another knock on the door and quickly pushed Ryan off of her. Suddenly Detective Harper walked in and -taking one glance at her slightly wild hair, frazzled eyes, and Ryan's unbuttoned shirt and obvious arousal- decided that things had gone too far. "Mr. Atwood," he said, giving Ryan a disapproving look, but avoiding Marissa's eyes.

"Um, I was just going to go, so uh, I'll um, see you later?" Ryan asked Marissa, although he realized he probably should've just left.

She nodded and avoided his gaze, feeling like she'd been caught making out by her mother. "Okay."

When Ryan was gone, she stood and smoothed her shirt down, then ran a hand through her hair, hoping it wasn't too bad. She looked at the detective who was staring at her with disappointed eyes. She was officially caught. "I'm sorry for just walking in…" he offered.

"It's fine. I've never given you a reason to need to wait before. It is my lunch hour…" she said quietly, avoiding his gaze.

He nodded and said, "Yeah. " It was silent for another minute before he said, "I thought you weren't supposed to do that…"

"Do what?" She asked, finally looking into his eyes.

"Get involved," he said, giving her a hard look. When she didn't say anything, just looked at him guiltily, he said, "I told you from the very beginning you were too involved. "

"I don't remember that."

"Obviously not," he retorted.

"Well it's not like it's your business anyways," she said defensively. "What I do with my life is my business. You're not even a psychiatrist!"

He rolled his eyes and said, "You're right, I'm not a psychiatrist, and it probably isn't my business, but the thing is that our jobs are sometimes closely related. I have a messed up guy that I find, and I bring them to you. Simple as that. But you're obviously not to be trusted."

"Those rules aren't really that serious. I mean, sure, I said I would remain ethical and not get involved, but that doesn't mean I can't be trusted…" She protested.

"As far as I'm concerned it does," the detective said with a long sigh, rubbing his eyes with his thumb and index finger. "Look, how do you expect people to take you seriously when you're off screwing your ex-client? People are going to start talking, especially in this town."

"I'm not off screwing him, it's more than that. I love him," she said angrily. "And you have no right to barge in here and accuse me of being a slut!"

He rolled his eyes and said, "Look, I'm just telling you how it is. You wanted to get with that guy, and now you did, so get ready to own up to your mistakes." He turned to leave, and when he was at the door he turned back and ended by saying, "Oh, and by the way, I came to see if you would take on a case for me. This boy was found abandoned and all alone. He won't sleep or eat, and the lady at the orphanage keeps telling me that there's no one that can get through to him or help. They've brought in specialist after specialist, but nothing seems to work. "He gave a bitter laugh and said, "I thought about you immediately, but now I have to wonder if you're going to go 'fall in love' with him too."

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She spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about what the detective had said. Sure he'd been out of line, but what he said was true, and that's what annoyed her the most. How could she have been so utterly stupid and fall in love with Ryan? She'd been told numerous times by a bunch of people, she'd read the ethics books, she'd agreed to it all – and yet here she was now.

Ryan came to pick her up from work and immediately picked up on her rather somber mood. "That bad?" he asked quietly, leaning over to peck her lips.

She nodded and sighed. "I basically got called a slut. He questioned my credibility."

"Well, screw him," He said with a smile. "You shouldn't let him get you down. Besides, he's just a detective, what does he know?"

"He's more like a psychiatrist than you think. We're both supposed to analyze people, the only difference is that he does it to see when people intentionally lie, and I do it to make people see the lies they tell themselves," she said with a sigh, leaning her head back on the seat. "My career is ruined."

Ryan started to drive back to his house. "Hey, you can't be that pessimistic. "

"It's true though," she softly said. "And I only brought it upon myself."

"Don't talk that way," he said, reaching over to take her hand, lacing their fingers together. "It's going to be okay, alright? We'll make it through together."

She just nodded and looked out the window, seeing the world in an entirely new, more depressing, light.

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That night they went to the movie theater together and saw some movie that she couldn't really remember afterwards. Throughout the whole thing she just thought about her current problem and a way she could solve it. After a while a plan started to form in her mind, and even though she knew it would be hard and painful, she could see it as her only real choice.

They ate dinner at a nice and cozy little restaurant. He ordered a large bowl of spaghetti and she ordered some lasagna. They shared a bottle of wine and she requested that they eat outside since it was such a beautiful night, so they sat there with their faces illuminated by the moon, stars, and flicker of light from the burning candle in the middle of their table. She held his hands and looked into his eyes, watching the way they lit up when he talked. She let him do most of the talking, just wanting to hear his sweet voice, trying to savor every word he spoke, every time his lips moved, every smile or small hand gesture he'd make.

That night when they got back to his house she pulled him down on the first available soft surface she saw, which happened to be his couch, and they made love on it over and over again. She was never able to get enough of him, even after he got tired and drifted off to sleep, she still stayed and stared at him, memorizing every feature of his so that she could bring it back and use it when she thought about him. She'd always remember his sandy blonde hair tousled and looking completely adorable yet sexy after they finished their latest round of sexual endeavors. She'd always remember the way his eyes looked right before he entered her, and the way they looked right as he pulled out. She'd make a point of locking it away and never forgetting, no matter how many days or months or years went by.

And it was that night that Marissa Cooper stood, got dressed, kissed Ryan's cheek for the last time, and then after only leaving a note, said goodbye.

_Dear Ryan,_

_I know you don't agree with me, but there's no way you can possibly understand what I'm going through. Ever since my dad and sister died, I've felt the need to try to save someone in respect to them. Being a psychiatrist is the only thing I've ever really wanted to do, and I can't stand the thought of having to give that up. I'm sorry, but it's a big chunk of my life, and I can't just ignore it. _

_I never should've fallen in love with you, but I don't really regret it. This past week with you has been amazing, more amazing than any other week in my life. It makes me wish that I didn't have t do this, that I could have both you and my job, but I know that if I have one, the other won't get as much attention. There's a rule in the books that says a therapist can't have sexual encounters with their client until at least two years has gone by and they've done a thorough evaluation of the affect it would have on the client. Being with you would be selfish of me, Ryan. Asking you to wait for two years would be extremely selfish, and I can't do it. Besides, I think that my reasons for wanting to be with you are more based around what I want and what I need than what you do. You need someone that's always there for you, that can love you in a way that I can't right now._

_But I really, truly, completely love you. Never doubt that, because it's true._

_Please don't come looking for me. I don' t even know where I'm going just yet._

_Goodbye._

_Marissa_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N So this is the last chapter. I hope you enjoy it. I don't know what I will be writing for next, but stay tuned and you will see. Oh, and today is my birthday. Exciting stuff. R/R, enjoy!**

It had been two years. Two long years.

She knew that she should be over him by now, but she just couldn't be. It was easy to say you could get over a person when they were right there and you were strong, but it's a completely different thing if you're weak. She supposed she had always been weak. She had to be if she had let herself fall in love with Ryan Atwood. She proved she was even more weak when she ran away from him like a coward.

She still missed him. Sometimes she woke up in the middle of the night and reached for him only to pat the ghost of what could have been. Her heart had ached and bled so many times she was sure it was beyond repair. What made it a million times worse was knowing things could have been different if she had stayed back there with him. If she had been strong enough to face her mistakes, or even leave her job all together, she could've still been with him. She could've been in his arms at that very moment, smiling at him – kissing him. She had come to learn heartbreak wasn't something you could forget or ignore: it was endless and deep. Even when you thought you were over it, it came creeping back like an annoying fly or pest; you could try swatting it away or stepping on it, but it always flew back to you and agitated you some more.

It had been two years, but she was oddly okay. Yes, she had her deal of heartbreak, but she also had the best job in the world. It was because of that she got up every morning without hopping on the first plane back to Newport.

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He knew he shouldn't have tracked her down after everything she had written in his letter, but he couldn't help himself. She was the only person that he really knew anymore, the only one that would listen when he spoke. After his family had died, he knew there was no way he could possibly be happy again. He was wrong. When he was with her he felt alive after spending a long period feeling dead. She made him think that things were going to be okay, and when she left he had that feeling taken away yet again.

Hiring a private investigator didn't cross his mind until after a couple of months passed by. Even then, he didn't really expect for anything to come back to him. Still, there was always the possibility, so he left the search entirely up to fate. If they were meant to be together, the PI would come up with results. If not, then he would move on like she wanted him to. He would turn his head and never ever think of her or that short but amazing time they spent together.

Imagine his surprise when he received a call from his PI saying that he had the location where Marissa was working.

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It was another boring Tuesday in early January. She parked and then exited her car, wrapping her large coat tighter around herself. She trudged through the snow to the front door, and then opened the door to the building she had bought for her own private practice in Psychiatry. She had bought it a couple of months after finding this small town in the middle of nowhere, not far outside of Ruidoso, New Mexico. To her surprise business had bloomed up pretty quickly. She didn't have any difficult cases like she had before, but more simple cases such as couple's counseling and people that just felt like talking. It was a nice change of pace after dealing with Ryan's case, and it helped her get her mind off of missing him.

She entered her small offices and looked over to see her secretary biting her lip. "Hey, Monica. My first appointment isn't until ten, right?" She looked at the clock in the far corner and saw that it was only nine thirty, which worked fine for her. She liked to get to work half an hour early so that she could set things up. She hated being late.

Monica nodded. Her long, dark hair was pulled back into a sloppy pony tail today and her green eyes looked confused and a bit worried. "Yeah, Mr. Jacobs won't be here until ten."

Marissa raised her eyebrows and took off her jacket. "Is something wrong? I know there's been a lot of snow lately, and will be a lot more today, but you never seem this upset by that."

Monica nodded and said, "Yeah, I know." She chewed on the her bottom lip and then said, "You have a visitor..." She glanced in the direction of Marissa's treatment room and office. "A male visitor."

Marissa furrowed her eyebrow and said, "That doesn't make any sense. I don't know a lot of people here, and no one from my old town knows I live here...." She quickly walked to her office and opened the door, then gasped. It couldn't be...

But it was. Ryan stood and locked his eyes to her, his gaze strong and yet very gentle. "Marissa," he said, though it sounded more like a sigh.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, staying as far away from him as possible. Before he could answer she said, "I told you not to find me. I told you I didn't want you to find me..."

"I know," he said softly, taking a few steps towards her. "I wasn't going to but then I just couldn't help myself. I needed to know where you were. I needed to see you.."

"I don't want to see you," she said, turning from him. "So just do me a favor and get out."

"I'm not going to leave," he stated stubbornly. "I spent the last two years without you, and then I went through the trouble of finding you..."

"I didn't ask you to," she protested.

"I know," he said with a sigh. "But you owe me an explanation."

"I don't owe you anything. I explained myself in that letter," she said with a sigh. Then she repeated, "I don't owe you anything. Get out."

"You're being a little harsh, don't you think?" he asked with a raise of his eyebrows. "I thought you would be happy to see me. Is there someone else?"

"No, there isn't anyone else, and no, I'm not happy to see you."

He stared at her and judged if she was telling the truth by her demeanor. It didn't take long before he realized she was lying. "I don't believe you. I think that you are happy to see me, you are just too afraid to admit it."

She shook her head and sighed. "Will you leave me alone?"

He shook his head and said, "No, not until we talk." He got closer to her, and then said, "Not until we talk."

She stared at him for a moment, and then turned and looked at the clock. "My day is filled with appointments, the first of which is supposed to start now. If you don't mind, I kind of have a job to do."

He smiled and then said, "Okay, I will wait in the lobby then."

She shook her head and said, "Those are reserved for my patients and their family only. Sorry."

He shrugged and said, "Then I will wait outside."

She looked at what he was wearing and laughed. "Right. It's supposed to snow today and you plan on waiting outside in a hoodie and leather jacket, jeans, and those shoes? Good luck."

He looked down at his clothes and frowned. "It can't be that bad, right?" he asked, looking at her worriedly.

She smirked and said, "You will find out soon enough. Now shoo, I have a patient in desperate need of my services." She opened her office door and – ignoring Monica's curious eyes – said, "Mr. Jacobs, I am ready for you now." Then she turned to Monica and said, "Monica, can you do me a favor and show Mr. Atwood here out." Ryan turned to her and tried to protest about using his last name, but she ignored him and – once Mr. Jacobs was in her office – shut the door in his face.

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He couldn't believe she completely wrote him off that easily. Or actually, he couldn't believe that he had been stupid enough to think she wouldn't. After all, this was the girl that always needed a little encouraging before she could act upon her desires. All she needed was a little shove to realize that he wasn't going anywhere, because he wasn't. He couldn't – not when he was so utterly and completely still in love with her.

So he came up with a plan to make her see he meant business. She would kill him when she heard what he was doing, but he also knew that it was his only shot at making her see that he wanted her back – even after she abandoned him. His plan was to make it known that he loved her, and what better way to sell his love than to tell it to all of her patients?

He saw an elderly lady walking towards the front door and he offered her a warm smile though he was freezing. "Hello, miss," he said pleasantly.

She stopped and stared at him with a curious smile, then said, "Hello, dear. You look so cold. Why don't you come inside?"

He shook his head and gave her a sad smile. "I can't...Miss Cooper said that since I wasn't family of a patient or a patient myself, I couldn't come in."

The elderly lady smiled and said, "Well, my son Jeffrey wasn't able to take me today, perhaps you can keep me company?"

He flashed her a grin and said, "I would love to, Miss..."

"Strangeworth. My name is Adeline Strangeworth." She took hold of his arm and led him into the building. Monica saw him and frowned, then saw Miss Strangeworth and looked confused.

"Miss Strangeworth, what are you doing with Mr. Atwood?" Monica asked.

Miss Strangeworth smiled and said, "He is keeping me company, dear. Maybe you could use a man to keep you company every once in a while." Monica blushed deeply and Ryan chuckled. The elderly lady turned to Ryan again and said, "So what are you doing here anyways?"

Monica seemed curious too, but pretended to be doing something on the computer. "Well, I used to date Marissa...I mean, Miss Cooper."

Both of the ladies in the room raised their eyebrows in shock. Marissa dating seemed like a crazy idea to the both of them, Monica thinking of how dedicated to work she was, and Miss Strangeworth thinking of how professional and boring she seemed. "Really?"

He nodded and smiled, thinking of the short time they had spent officially together as a couple. "Yeah, and it was amazing, too. In fact, I used to be a patient of hers..."

Monica seemed disturbed by this piece of information, and he guessed that she understood the ethics that Marissa had apparently broken. However, Miss Strangeworth smiled widely, obviously completely fascinated by this story. "Really? What were you being treated for?"

He figured that he couldn't just tell Marissa's story, he had to tell his too. He sighed and sadly said, "I lost my family in a shooting, but then I couldn't remember who actually did the shooting, so I was sent in hopes of remembering." He shuddered at that dark memory and then said, "Marissa really helped me, and soon we became friends..." As he continued to tell his story, Miss Strangeworth started to cry a little bit.

"I can't believe she did that!" She said when he told her how Marissa had gotten up and left him in the middle of the night.

He nodded and decided that yes, Marissa was in fact going to kill him.

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Marissa noted that her patients seemed a little weird today. They looked at her in odd, curious ways as if they were trying to analyze her instead of the other way around. More than once she had to change the subject from her life back to theirs, which she had never had to do before. It was odd and it made her uncomfortable.

During her lunch break she walked outside of her office and that's when everything suddenly became crystal clear. She was going to kill him, and then she was going to kill Monica. She looked at her secretary/receptionist and very calmly asked, "What is he doing in the lobby?"

Monica gulped and said, "Miss Strangeworth let him in.."

She nodded and crossed her arms over her chest in a stern way. "Mhmm, and Miss Strangeworth left over an hour ago, so what is he still doing here?"

Monica gave a sheepish smile and said, "Well, then Mr. Robinson wanted to hear the story, so he invited Ryan to say..."

Since when was Ryan on the first name basis with Monica? And why was she looking at Marissa that way? "What story did Mr. Robinson want to hear exactly?" She asked, her stomach starting to sink. He wouldn't would he?

"Well, the story of you two.."

Marissa glared at the lady and then turned to the lobby where a few of her patients were listening intently to Ryan's story. She marched over to him and hissed, "Get up."

He looked up at her and offered a smile. "Hey, I was just..."

"I know what you were doing, and I said get up," she said, her eyes never leaving his, her tone meaning business.

He slowly stood and everyone groaned in unison. She glared at all of them and then quickly got quiet. "I'm sorry, I was just.."

She grabbed his jacket and pulled it hard, practically dragging him to the exit. "I can't believe you," she said quietly. "After you knew, after I told you...after I left..."

He nodded and said, "I know you're mad..."

She shook her head and said, "Furious is more like it. Now stay out here and if I hear that you come back inside I will call the police." She glare at him and then once again left him behind. She walked back inside and saw her patients looking at her curiously.

One of them said, "He will freeze to death out there, you know."

She nodded and said, "Let him learn his lesson."

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Two hours later he couldn't feel his hands or part of his legs. A very nice man lent him his large coat and winked with a comment about being in the dog house before. He may have been thrown out of the warmth of the lobby, but he still told his story to those that were willing to stand in the cold and listen. One lady had even gone out of her way to go buy him some hot coffee, which he had been very grateful for. But she still hadn't invited him back in and he still wouldn't give up.

Marissa, on the other hand, was completely worn out by the end of the day. The majority of her patients asked her questions about the strange man outside of the door, and a lot of them had heard the story about her and Ryan, which completely ruined her day. About an hour after her last patient had left, she walked out of her office to see Monica looking at the computer intently, very absorbed in her work. "Um, I'm going to go home now," she said, causing Monica to look up at her.

"He's still out there, you know," Monica said after a minute, gesturing towards the door. "I wish I could have a guy willing to stand in the snow for me. Maybe you should take him back to your place and you two can talk."

Marissa sighed and said, "It's not that simple..."

"Then make it that simple," Monica said with a wave of her hand, acting as if Marissa was making a big deal out of nothing.

"I made a vow that I wouldn't fall in love with him, and I did. I said I wouldn't have contact with him in that way, but I did, and now I have to pay for what I did."

Monica laughed and said, "It isn't a sin to fall in love, Marissa, even if he is your patient. I say tell the rules to go to hell and go out there and save the poor guy before he becomes a Popsicle."

Marissa laughed a little and then stared at the door separating her and Ryan. She sighed and said, "I don't know if I can do that."

Monica shrugged and said, "You owe it to yourselves to try."

Marissa didn't say anything else, just took a step towards the door and then opened it. Ryan immediately looked up and his eyes connected with hers. She still didn't speak, even as she closed the door and started walking towards her car. He followed after her and said, "I know that I went too far today, but I really think that maybe we could just talk and you will see why I did everything. I know I seem like a jerk to you, but...are you even listening to me?"

She didn't look at him, just got into her car and unlocked the passenger seat. Hers and Monica's cars were the only ones in the parking lot, so she figured he probably didn't have anywhere else to go. When he got the message, he quickly got in and then turned to her, but decided it would be best if he didn't say anything. She didn't look at him, but turned all the vents to him, blasting the heat because she knew he must be cold if he had been out there that long. In fact, she had to wonder if he had gotten hypothermia or something.

When they got to her large two story house she still didn't speak, only let him follow her inside and up the stairs. She went into the bathroom but kept the door open, letting him know that it was okay for him to come inside. She turned on the water, making sure it was hot, and then turned to him and said, "You need to get your body temperature back to normal." She didn't look him in the eyes, afraid that she would lose herself in them, so she just turned her attention to his clothes. He tried to pull the zipper down, but it felt awkward in his completely numb hands, so he looked at her sheepishly for help. She took the zipper and slowly slid it down, the steam from the shower starting to wrap around them.

She kept her eyes on his clothes as she slowly took off his coat, then jackets, and finally got down to his shirt. She slowly started to unbutton it, feeling his heart pounding hard against his chest. She slid it off of him, and then moved her fingers down to his jeans. He looked at her face, willing her to look him in the eye, but she just unbuttoned his pants and then pulled down his zipper. Her hands remained there for a beat too long, and he started to lean in to kiss her, softly murmuring, "Marissa..."

She shook her head and pulled back, leaving him standing there in the middle of the large bathroom. "Come and find me when you are done," she said, and then quickly ran to her room and shut the door.

She didn't know how long he was in the shower, but she stayed curled up on her bed the entire time. She had no idea how she was supposed to face him after what she had done to him two years ago, or how she could even begin to consider being with him now. When she heard footsteps and a soft knock on her door, she knew that even though she wanted to, she couldn't hide from Ryan Atwood forever.

She opened the door and moved aside for him to enter. Maybe it seemed a bit odd to have this talk in her bedroom, but she didn't really feel as safe in any other rooms of the house, and in a time when she felt utterly confused, she needed to have some kind of security. He stood awkwardly in the middle of her room, unsure of where it was appropriate for him to sit. She didn't seem too worried about that so he sat down on the edge of the bed, never taking his eyes off of the woman he once thought he knew. Staring at her now he realized she was an entirely different person, but he liked that. Change suited her well.

Unsure of where to start, she softly said, "I'm sorry."

She started to pace and he quietly asked, "For what?"

She stopped and stared at him. "For leaving you. For making you think that we had a chance and then completely destroying it by walking out that door."

He shook his head and said, "As far as I see it, we still have a chance."

She scoffed and asked, "How? How could we possibly have a chance after everything? After the way I left you and then threw you out and practically ignored you?"

He stood and walked over to her, trying to wrap his arms around her, but she wouldn't let him. He sighed and said, "Marissa, I still love you. I still want to be with you. You were the only person in my life, and then you left and I had no one..."

"Exactly, how could you ever forgive me for that?" she asked, her voice breaking in places.

He shrugged and said, "Because I love you. Because I want to be with you, and there is nothing you can do that will ever change that. You were the only person that I had, and you are the only person that I still have. There was never anyone else. There couldn't be." Her eyes started getting watery and he wiped away a few of the stray tears that fell. "Hey, don't cry."

She sighed and leaned onto him, letting his arms envelope her. "I love you," she murmured into his neck. His arms tightened around her and she continued. "I never stopped."

He smiled and pulled back a little so that he could see her face, so that he could take it into his hands. He framed it with his fingers and said, "Then stop running from me."

When they kissed, it was gentle and sweet. There were two years of lost moments between them; two years of laughter and tears. There wasn't a think either one of them could do to stop the kiss: they were both drawn in as if by some magnetic force. Her hands clung to his shirt as if it was the only thing keeping her standing, which – if she was honest – was true. He held her as if she could break at any moment.

They fell onto the bed without he kiss ever halting, and their hands started to roam the once familiar bodies. Clothes melted away and he started to move inside of her in such a passionate way that she started to pant his name.

When they both came, he collapsed on the spot next to her. He held her and they both tried to regain control of their breathing. Finally she said, "I don't care what happens to me or my job...I just want you."

He smiled, and said, "You won't lose your job. I made sure of that." He stood and walked over to his clothes, then pulled out a sheet of paper that she hadn't noticed before. "It's an evaluation of our relationship. You said that after two years an evaluation had to be done to see if us dating would be okay, and it is." She took the paper from his hands and read it intently, a smile lighting up her face. And they were happy in that moment – lost together – unsure of how things would turn out. And when he kissed her again, this time she knew that everything would be okay.


End file.
